


Setting Sun

by TrixieBastard



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, MMFD - Freeform, setting sun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 14:36:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1691846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrixieBastard/pseuds/TrixieBastard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tragic accident tears the gang apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first attempt at writing fic, so feedback on anything and everything would be greatly appreciated!
> 
> Set five months after 2x07.

“Archie, get yer arse up here and show us what ya got!”

Archie heaved a sigh -- the emcee for the open mic night at the Swan was being his typically overenthusiastic self, forever striving to drum up the clientele’s interest. Not that Archie needed it – he was well-known by the regulars as a decent singer, and they always cheered for him before he took the stage.

Archie gave a shy grin as he perched on the stool and slung the neck strap of his acoustic over his head, settling the body of the guitar onto his knee.

“Alright, tonight I’ve got a little Duncan Sheik for you,” he murmured into the microphone before striking the first chord. ‘Barely Breathing’ was well-suited to his vocal range, and soon he was stepping off the stage to a round of vigorous applause and cheers. He nodded his appreciation as he made his way over to the table where his friends were raucously adding their voices to the crowd.

“That was mint, Archer,” Finn grinned, giving Archie a clap on the shoulder as they both sat down amidst congratulations from the rest of the gang. With a wan smile, Archie ducked to retrieve his guitar case from under the table, thankful that the table would hide his reddening face. He still wasn’t a hundred percent comfortable with performing, but each open mic night was easier than the last. Receiving praise was an entirely different matter, though – at this point, he figured he was destined to be eternally embarrassed whenever someone complimented his singing.

Having clicked the latches closed on the guitar case, Archie sat up, hoping his countenance was under control. He must have still been a bit red, however, because he saw Rae give him a smile with a sympathetic glint in her hazel eyes. Chuckling at her astuteness, Archie shook his head slightly as Izzy bounced over to his side, throwing her arms around his neck.

“Archie-Arch, you are always amazing!” she enthused, her smile so wide that Archie wondered how the top of her head didn’t fall off. “Do you know what you’re going to sing for next time?” she asked, giving him a squeeze before returning to her seat between Chop and Chloe.

“Er, not yet. I don’t suppose any of you have a request?” There hadn’t been anything else on the charts that had caught his fancy, and he had been at a bit of a loss as to what to tackle next. “Rae? How about you? I’m sure you have an idea or two I could use.”

“Always, Archie, never doubt it,” Rae answered with a cheeky grin, which turned into a mock glare as Finn snorted laughter. Bloody hell, her joking glare was intense -- so much so that Archie was glad he didn’t have much experience with the real thing.  “You know right well that I have some good ideas,” she protested, giving Finn’s shoulder a backhanded smack. Finn nodded his agreement with an amused smirk. Mollified, she turned her attention back to Archie.

“Which are?” Archie prompted, intrigued. Had Rae and Finn been discussing his singing? The thought was both pleasing and nerve-wracking. Those two knew their stuff when it came to music, and Archie wasn’t ashamed to admit that he was a little bit in awe of their combined knowledge.

“Well, I was thinkin’ you could try an acoustic rendition of ‘Easy’,” she shrugged. “I know it’s not yer normal style, but I wouldn’t have thought ‘Return of the Mack’ was either,” she added with a smile.

“Faith No More? Wouldn’t have thought of them,” Archie mused, a contemplative frown crossing his brow. “I know the song, though. Never really thought of singing it myself. D’you really think it would work with my voice?” he asked, eyes moving from Rae to Finn.

Before either could answer, Chop slammed his empty glass on the table and stood. “Alright, you knobs, my shout,” he said, pointing his finger at each of the gang in turn as he took their orders. “Help me with the drinks, Iz?” he asked as he maneuvered his way around his girlfriend’s chair, but not before he dropped a kiss on top of her fiery curls. Izzy popped up and threaded her arm through Chop’s as they made their way up to the bar.

“Of course it will work with your voice, Archie,” Chloe said, leaning forward with an encouraging smile. “You know how to make anything sound good. No, really, you do!” she added as Archie shook his head. “A little backup here?” she asked, looking at the pair to Archie’s left.

“She’s righ’, you know what yer doin’,” Finn agreed as he pulled out his tobacco tin. “You’ve made some shit songs sound righ’ good,” he added as he concentrated on sprinkling the optimal amount of tobacco on his rolling paper.

“Thanks, mate,” Archie said sarcastically, grinning at Rae over her boyfriend’s head.

“Come off it, ya know what I meant,” Finn retorted, eyes still on the cigarette in his hands. “Nobody else coulda pulled off what ya did when ya covered that Ash song.” He licked the edge of the paper and deftly rolled the cigarette. “I mean, Ash is all righ’, but they’re not  _good_. You made that song sound…” Finn trailed off, unable to come up with a synonym for “good”.

“Fantastic?” Rae supplied as Chop and Izzy returned with the drinks. “Yeh, I think ‘fantastic’ about covers it,” she nodded before taking a gulp of her snakebite and black. Archie watched as she set her glass down and took Finn’s left hand with her right. He smiled to himself – not that long ago, Rae would have been too embarrassed to show affection so publicly. She had come a long way from the lovely but slightly awkward Rae he had first met a year ago. He knew that healing ultimately had to come from within, but Archie couldn’t help but wonder how much of her progress was due to Finn’s love and support. They had both helped each other tremendously since Finn came back from Leeds – Rae was less likely to doubt herself or the people who loved her, and Finn was becoming more communicative.

Archie took a swallow of his ale, the cold liquid feeling good as it trickled down his throat. “Thanks for the shout, Chopper,” he said, nodding to his friend. “I’ll get next round.”

“No problem, lad,” Chop returned, flashing his gap-toothed grin. “Had to get you for singin’. Was so touchin’ that my eye might’ve leaked a bit,” he laughed as he clinked his glass with Archie’s.

Embarrassed all over again, Archie took another sip of his ale. It was high time to move the conversation away from him and his singing. “Right,” he said, perhaps a shade too eagerly, “what are the weekend plans?”

Chloe leaned forward on her elbows. “I have an empty all weekend. I was thinking about having another pool party if anyone was interested,” she offered, her green gaze moving around the table. “Thought maybe we could make it an annual thing, if you like.”

“A sexy pool party? I’m in!” Chop replied immediately, sitting bolt upright in his chair. “Especially if Iz wears her new bikini,” he added, wagging his eyebrows at Izzy, who went a bit pink.

“So, Saturday then, Chlo?” Rae asked, casting a glance at Finn. They’d had a day trip planned for Sunday for a while, and Rae wanted to avoid a scheduling conflict. She was looking forward to having Finn to herself for a whole day. Being perched behind him on his scooter was one of her favorite places to be; there was nothing quite like wrapping her arms tightly around him, feeling the wind on her face and seeing the road stretch out in front of them. It always gave her a sense of freedom.

Shrugging, Chloe picked up her diet soda. “Yeah, Saturday sounds good,” she said before taking a sip. “Mum and Dad aren’t leaving until six, but any time after that is brilliant.”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

With the weekend plans set, the gang soon finished off their drinks and called it a night, Archie promising to get the first round next time. Finn put his arm around Rae’s shoulders as they watched their friends go their separate ways, Chop and Izzy clearly intending to spend a little more quality time together as they both headed in the direction of Chop’s flat.

“Such scandalous behavior,” Rae tutted with a wicked gleam in her eye. Finn chuckled as he leaned in to kiss her on the temple, breathing in the scent of her hair before pulling back.

“S’pose we could show ‘em up,” he said huskily, turning them towards Rae’s house with an unspoken question in his eyes. Rae shook her head, quirking her lips up in a rueful smile.

“Unfortunately, Mum found out you’ve been sneakin’ in. I didn’t hear the end of it for a week.” She sighed, ever despairing of her mother and her outdated views on when boyfriends were allowed to visit their girlfriends. “So unless you have an empty…” she began hopefully, scowling when Finn shook his head. It was getting downright frustrating – it seemed like it had been forever since they’d managed to be alone together with nobody else in the house. She missed the feel of skin on skin, of how tenderly Finn kissed the scars on her thighs, of being so connected to him in every way imaginable.

“Soon enough, girl,” Finn reassured her, “but not soon enough,” he added with her favorite lopsided grin. Rae laughed heartily as they walked, still secretly elated that Finn Nelson, of all people, was in love with her and wanted to be naked with her as often as possible. Sometimes she entertained the thought that she was even madder than she knew and that her life was a construct of her admittedly vivid imagination, because everything in the past five months had been so perfect that it was hard to believe it was real.

They spent the rest of the walk in a comfortable silence, each thinking happy thoughts of the other. Soon they were at her doorstep and Finn’s lips were on hers.

Rae wasn’t sure how long they had been kissing, but suddenly her mum was opening the door, baby Abia perched on her hip.

“Are you two planning on comin’ up for air?” Linda asked, shaking her head at her eldest daughter. “I won’t have you turning our doorway into a spectacle,” she added, jerking her chin up in the direction of Mrs. Dewhurst’s favorite window. Rae pulled away reluctantly, her eyes glazed over. She blinked to clear her vision, then leaned back in to place a chaste kiss on Finn’s mouth.

“Six o’clock?” Rae asked, confirming when Finn would be by to pick her up for the party. He nodded and squeezed her hand, letting go only when Linda began shooing him away. He chucked Abi under the chin before he left, delighted in the resulting gurgled baby laugh. “Tomorrow, then, girl,” he said over his shoulder as he ambled down the path. He saw her nod happily before she turned to scoop Abi out of Linda’s arms, holding the wiggling baby up and twirling. His heart gave a quick lurch as he turned his attention to the pavement in front of him. Everything Rae did was wonderful in its own way, but sometimes she did things that were particularly amazing. Seeing her with Abi just then… well, maybe it was his romantic side, but he was now imagining him and Rae with a family of their own.

The walk back to his was occupied with fanciful imaginings -- nights spent doing nothing but listening to music in their new flat, cooking Sunday breakfast together, adopting a dog, choosing paint colors for their walls... Before he knew it, he was opening the front door to his house and climbing the stairs to his room. He shrugged off his jacket, then put on his Ocean Colour Scene album and kicked his boots off as the opening riffs of ‘The Riverboat Song’ filled the air. Before flopping down on the bed, Finn reached for the drawer of his nightstand, rifling through the random papers inside until he felt the small box that had resided there since February. He took it out and laid back against his headboard, a soft light in his eyes as he opened the lid. A white gold band engraved with a pair of linked hearts was nestled between two black velveteen pillows. Rae wasn’t a fan of flashy jewelry, so Finn had decided to forgo the traditional diamond. Besides, “traditional” was hardly the word he’d pick to describe Rae, and he was certain she would love the simplicity of the ring.

Finn ran his finger over the smoothness of the metal, wondering when he’d work up the nerve to give it to her. He had forever to get it just right, but he felt that the sooner it happened, the better. He was aware that he was pretty young to be thinking such things. However, he also knew that there was never going to be anyone else for him but Rae, so why not get an early start?

But... not yet. He wasn’t exactly sure when or where or how, so there was still some planning to do. Realizing that he was getting sleepy, Finn clicked the box shut and placed it back in the drawer, covering it with loose papers to hide it from prying eyes. Yawning, he stood and shut his turntable off, then shucked his clothes and climbed back into bed. Soon he was asleep, a small smile playing on his lips as he dreamed.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Six o’clock Saturday night found Finn rolling up to Rae’s, where she sat on the step waiting for him. She held up a forestalling finger as she turned back to open her front door.

“Mum, Finn’s here. I’ll be back later, call me at Chloe’s if you need me!” she shouted before closing the door and practically bouncing over to Finn.

“Alrigh’, girl?” Finn asked after flipping up his visor, his customary greeting eliciting the same tender smile it always did. He swung his leg over and stood to give Rae access to the scooter’s lock box in the seat.

Rae dug her helmet out and stuffed her backpack in the resulting space before securing the box lid. “Yeh, Abi’s been a grumpy sod today, so I am  _so_  ready for a party,” she said, rolling her eyes as she jammed the helmet over her head. She and Finn climbed on, her arms wrapping around his middle as he twisted the throttle and took off. He felt the usual swell in his chest as she linked her hands over his stomach -- even through his leather jacket and tee, her touch electrified him. He reached up with his left hand and placed it over her interlaced ones, giving them a squeeze before returning his hand to the brake. He grinned as he felt her arms tighten around him in a hug.

It was hard to hear each other while they were riding, so they usually carried their conversations with touch rather than words. As such, when Rae hugged him even tighter than she just had, he thought she was giving him an extra ‘I love you’. When her voice ripped through the air, however, he knew something was wrong.

“FINN!” she screamed, a note of terror he’d never heard before coloring her voice and making his blood run cold. Before he could react, he heard a metallic crunch and felt the scooter give a tremendous sideways lurch. He felt Rae’s arms release him and had a brief sensation of weightlessness as the impact from the collision sent his body flying through the air. Before he’d had a chance to fully register what had happened, he hit the pavement and his world faded to black.


	2. Chapter 2

Finn opened his eyes, blinking slowly as his vision struggled to come into focus. As soon as it did, he saw Rae crumpled on the pavement, her jacket rucked up around her shoulders. The lower part of her shirt was already soaked with blood, and he could see the fingers on her right hand twitching. A cold rush of terror coursed through him and his mind flooded with different scenarios, each worse than the last. He could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate, his breath fogging up the interior of his helmet’s visor. Panicking, he bolted upright and tore the helmet off, letting it roll from his hand as he gasped for air.

"Rae," he croaked, trying unsuccessfully to get to his feet. He realized that walking wasn’t going to be an option when he felt pain radiate from his right shin so intensely that it made him fall back to the ground. He looked down and winced – there’d been nothing to protect his leg from the car’s bumper, and his lower leg was snapped like a twig. Rae’s probably was, too, unless she’d been incredibly lucky.

 Just as Finn started to drag himself to her, a flash momentarily blinded him. The fuel tank on the bike had exploded, sending petrol and bits of flaming metal everywhere. He felt petrol splash on his jeans as a piece of the tank came whizzing towards his head. Reflexively he batted his hands at the chunk of metal, but didn’t hit it far enough away. The piece landed on his leg, setting the fuel that had soaked into the denim ablaze. Before he could blink, both his legs were engulfed with flames, burning away the cloth of his jeans and searing his flesh. He lay back down and began to roll on the ground, trying to smother the tenacious fire that was cooking him alive.

Right as Finn was convinced that the flames would never go out, he heard the slam of a car door and the sound of running footfalls approaching him. A blanket was thrown over him, cutting off the oxygen supply to the fire. He squinted up at his savior, then pointed towards the still immobile form of his love. “Rae,” he managed to say one last time before he passed back into a welcoming oblivion.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_why can’t I breathe right_

_what is that bloody beepin’_

_why isn’t Rae next to me_

_Rae_

_…Rae!_

Finn’s eyes flew open as he recalled what had happened. They widened as they saw a small group of hospital staff gathered around his bed, each wearing an expectant expression.

“Welcome back, Mr. Nelson,” a short woman said, offering a small smile that did not reach her eyes. “Do you know where you are?”

“Imagine I’m in hospital,” Finn replied, wincing as he felt a stabbing pain in his chest as he inhaled. He’d felt that same kind of pain after a particularly rough session of Australian Rules football last year. So, he had some broken ribs. That was something he could handle. His legs were another story, though. They felt like they were still on fire, despite the copious amounts of salve he could see seeping out from under the bandages on his thighs. He could also feel a persistent throbbing emanating from his shin and wondered if they had him on morphine. A break like he’d had would surely hurt more than this if he wasn’t. Well, whatever the answer was, it didn’t really matter. There were more important things to worry about. Anxiety apparent in his voice, Finn looked around and asked, “Where’s Rae? Is she okay?”

“You and Dr. Asheforth can talk about Ms. Earl in a little bit. We need to speak about you and your condition first.”

Finn glared at the pale man who had spoken, but nodded. “Yeah, alrigh’,” he assented, figuring that the better he played along, the sooner he could see Rae.

The third and last doctor stepped forward, taking a seat in the chair near the head of Finn’s bed. “Hello, Mr. Nelson, I’m Doctor Miller. I’m a burn specialist.

“As I’m sure you know, you have suffered burns to both of your legs. I am sorry to say that they ended up being rather severe, around a high second-degree. We decided to keep you in a medically-induced coma for two days to give your body time to heal a bit, as burns of this degree are exceptionally painful when treated.” Dr. Miller shifted as she caught the ‘no shit’ expression on Finn’s face. “Yes. Well. We will need to keep you here for at least a few weeks to keep the burns sterile and monitor your healing.”

“And to allow the rest of you to heal as well,” the pale doctor added. “You have two broken ribs and a compound fracture in your right tibia. Due to the burns, we had to undergo a special procedure to set the bones in your leg. We feel the surgery was successful, but it will take your leg longer to heal than a typical break. You will need to remain on bed rest for a while.”

Finn frowned – how was he supposed to go visit his girl if he was bedridden? “How long is ‘a while’?” he inquired, looking from Dr. Miller to the pale man.

“As long as it needs to be,” replied the short woman who had initially greeted Finn. “I am Doctor Asheforth, and this is Doctor Tremaine,” she added, gesturing to the pale man. “I will be your supervising physician while you are here. If you have any additional questions, you can direct them to me,” she added, coldly businesslike.

Finn nodded as Drs. Miller and Tremaine made to leave, only then noticing exactly how stiff his neck was. He began to reach up to rub at it, but his movement was arrested by the pain in his ribcage.

“Only two broken ribs? Feels like nine,” he muttered, closing his eyes and wondering how Rae was doing. He remembered all the blood he’d seen soaking into her shirt, how her hair had spilled from under the helmet and over her shoulders, how her fingers had been twitching in that terrifying brain-injury type way…  He heard the pips from the heart rate machine speed up as his pulse began to race, worry for Rae coursing through his body. He sensed Dr. Asheforth leaning over him and opened his eyes.

“Soz. Just remembering things about the accident,” he explained, trying to calm himself down. “And I’m worried abou’ my girl,” he added with a meaningful look. Tremaine had said that Asheforth would talk to him about Rae as soon as they were done talking about him, so why wasn’t there any talking?

Finn watched as Dr. Asheforth beckoned a nurse over, speaking in a hushed tone before leaving the room. The nurse nodded and followed Asheforth out. Was Rae out there waiting to see him? His heart lifted at the thought, but settled back down when he saw the nurse return with Archie, Chloe, and his dad in tow. Unexpectedly, he felt tears forming as his dad approached, a lump rising rapidly in his throat. He saw that his dad was on the breaking point himself – he could spot the telltale glistening in the corners of his father’s eyes as he walked under the fluorescent lights.

“Dad,” Finn began before the tears spilled over. He wasn’t sure exactly why he was crying – he would later learn that it was a reaction to all the stress. All he knew at the moment was that he was in a fuck-ton of physical pain, his dad and friends were wearing the worst expressions of emotional suffering imaginable, and he was beyond worried about the love of his life, who nobody was willing to talk to him about.

The elder Nelson stood by the side of his son’s bed awkwardly, not sure what he could do to help his son. There were too many broken and burned things on Finn to allow him to embrace his child, to offer whatever kind of comfort he could. He stood there helplessly watching his son weep, unable to think of anything to say.

It took a few minutes for Finn to cry himself out. Once he had calmed down, Archie and Chloe came forward, each looking morose. Chloe offered him the wateriest smile Finn had ever seen, and Archie was looking everywhere but at his best mate. Finn knew he probably looked a mess, but the way Archer’s gaze was flicking around was unsettling.

Finn looked down at his lap, feeling self-conscious. Not only was he a wreck physically, but he had cried in front of his friends. First off, he wasn’t one to shed tears; secondly, if he ever did, it was never in public. Feeling embarrassed, he looked up and gave his mates a lopsided smile. “Alrigh’?” he asked, trying his best to sound like his normal nonchalant self.

“Hiya, Finn,” Chloe said, her voice quiet and wavering. Hell, was he that badly off? Did he have a chunk of pavement sticking out of his forehead or something? “How are ya feelin’?” she asked as she gripped the sidebar of the bed, her knuckles going white with the strength of her grasp.

Finn frowned – there was definitely something wrong here. He’d never heard Chloe sound so hushed, had never seen Archie in such a state. Even his dad was quieter than usual, which, for a Nelson, meant that he was being silent as the grave.

“Been better,” Finn offered with a slight gesture to the machinery surrounding him. “Though I really _would_ be better if they’d let me see Rae,” he added with as much of a sigh as his battered ribs would allow. Even if it was only for a minute or two, just enough time to kiss her and run his hand through her hair and make sure she was okay, seeing her would put his mind at ease.

“Finn…” Chloe began before glancing guiltily at Mr. Nelson. Finn saw his dad give her the tiniest shake of his head, but Chloe’s face crumpled. “No, Mr. Nelson, I have to tell ‘im. I have to,” she added in a shaky whisper.

“Tell me what?” Finn asked, a feeling of dread welling in his chest. He looked from Archie to his dad to Chloe, an awful realization dawning in his eyes. He put his hand over Chloe’s, feeling the muscles in her fingers trembling with the force of her grip on the rail. He realized that he already knew what she was going to say; it was written all over each of their faces. Why hadn’t he seen it sooner? “What is it, Chlo?” he asked, eyes intent on hers.

“It’s Rae,” Chloe sobbed. “She’s gone.”


	3. Chapter 3

Chloe bit back tears as she stood by Finn’s bed, watching his face fall and his eyes go dark as she told him his girlfriend had passed away. It was like a light had been snuffed out – she had never seen the life drain out of another person like it did Finn in that moment. It had taken her all of five seconds to utter those four unthinkable words, five seconds that saw Finn go from hurting but hopeful to the shell she now saw before her.

She had known telling him was going to be unbelievably hard, but she hadn’t known it was going to be _this_ hard. She was thankful for Archie’s presence more than ever before -- he stood by her side, his shoulder touching hers as they tried to lend each other strength.

Strength for Finn’s sake. Strength for their own sakes. 

Chloe looked down to where she was gripping the bed rail, Finn’s hand still covering hers. She wanted to hold him (whether for his comfort or her own, she wasn’t exactly sure), but with all his injuries, it was impossible. Instead, she placed her other hand over his and squeezed, waiting for her friend to say something, anything.

It felt like an eternity had passed before she heard Finn’s voice, low and shaky. “What was it?” he mumbled, eyes fixed downward.

Chloe frowned, unsure if she really had heard him speak or if she was imagining things. “Did you say somethin’, Finn?”

“I said, what was it that killed her?” he asked, his gaze flashing upward. “I know we were hit, but…” he trailed off, eyes beseeching.

Chloe suspected she understood what he was asking, and took a steadying breath before answering. “There… there was a lot of internal bleedin’,” she said, her voice wavering with unshed tears. “They also said she got a perforated intestine, and that gave her septicemia.” Chloe faltered, but the utter despair on Finn’s face spurred her on. “She was unconscious the whole time, Finn. She wasn’t ever in any pain,” she added with urgency, trying desperately to make the situation even fractionally better. 

“Do they know who hit us?” Finn asked, looking to his father, who shook his head sadly.

“No, son. They fled, and there weren’t any witnesses. Just the people who found you after.” Mr. Nelson’s voice sounded strangled, and it was only a moment before he excused himself from the room. Chloe watched him go, then turned back to Finn as she felt his hand pulling away from between hers. She let go, then crossed her arms, hugging herself tightly. She glanced worriedly at Archie, who put his arm around her shoulders as he finally managed to look directly at his best friend.

“Anything we can do, mate?” Archie asked quietly, sounding completely adrift.

“Could you leave?” Finn asked bluntly, staring down at his bandaged legs with a furrowed brow, his mouth set in a thin line.

Chloe and Archie shared another glance before Chloe nodded. “Yeah, sure, Finn. Just… just let us know if you need us for anythin’. Or if you want to talk, or somethin’,” she added lamely, knowing that if anyone was going to need to talk things out, it would be her and not Finn.

Finn gave no indication that he had heard her, but she was fairly certain that it was only because he was trying to keep it together in front of the two of them. With quiet farewells, she and Archie made their way back to the waiting room, where they both dropped heavily into Naugahyde chairs.

Exhausted with worry, Chloe closed her eyes and rubbed at them, her fingers wiping away the moisture that was building up on her lashes. Her throat was aching from the effort of holding the tears back, so she decided to let them fall. She felt Archie’s hand rubbing her back comfortingly, and she leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder, his arm draped around her.

“What are we going to do, Archie?” she asked, feeling completely lost at sea. She inhaled deeply, then let her breath out shakily.

“I don’t know, Chlo. I really don’t,” he answered her flatly, staring off into the middle distance with a blank expression. “It was hard enough when they were both in ICU, seeing them just lying there bandaged and broken.” Chloe heard Archie swallow hard before he continued. “But now it’s like neither one of them are alive.”

At that, Chloe looked up at her friend and saw red-rimmed eyes and a clenched jaw. Wordlessly, she sat up and embraced Archie, who hugged her back twice as hard. The two friends held on to each other silently, both taking and offering whatever comfort they could. 

After a time, Chloe pulled back with a sniffle, wiping at her eyes quickly. She hated it when she cried in front of other people, but it had felt good to let everything go, even if only for a moment. She smiled wanly at Archie, then sighed.

“Right, well, I don’t think there’s anything else we can do here today. I think I’ll stop off at Izzy’s for a bit, let her know that Finn’s awake. Maybe stop by Rae’s after…” Chloe’s voice faltered as she remembered that it wasn’t Rae’s house any more. Not really.

Archie nodded with a resigned expression. “Right, let’s go tell Mr. Nelson that we’re off. Ah, and Mrs. Bouchtat asked me to let her know when Finn was conscious,” he added, “so I can stop by there on my way home if you’d rather not.”               

Chloe gave Archie a thankful smile. “That would be wonderful, actually. I don’t know if I can handle being in that house yet.” She could tell that Archie was thinking the same thing, which made her appreciate his offer even more. He really was an amazing friend, and Chloe still wasn’t exactly sure what she had done to deserve mates like Archie and the rest of the gang. She gave Archie one last hug before standing and offering him a hand up, which he accepted.               

After saying their farewells to Mr. Nelson, the pair stepped outside into the bright afternoon. Chloe squinted up at the sky with annoyance. It didn’t feel right that the day should be so beautiful – she wanted clouds and rain and gloom. Instead, she had a cloudless cerulean sky and sunshine warming her skin.              

“I’ll see you later, Arch,” Chloe said as she slipped her sunnies on. “Call me if you need to talk or anything, and let me know how Rae’s family is doing, okay?” At Archie’s nod, Chloe turned towards Izzy’s house, already dreading the conversation that she knew was coming. Sure, there would be some good news to offer them since Finn was awake, but Chloe had a feeling that all talk would be centered around Rae. Izzy had been adamant about everyone talking their feelings out, and though Chloe had only seen her and Chop once since the morning Rae had passed away, she already felt thoroughly talked-out.

It wasn’t long before Chloe was standing in Izzy’s doorway, waiting for someone to answer her knock. She heard footsteps thudding down the stairs inside and took a deep breath to steady her nerves. The door cracked open to show Izzy peering around it before she opened it further.

“Hey, Izzy,” was all Chloe managed to say before she was enveloped in a tight hug. She looked down to see Izzy’s tear-stained face and tried not to sigh. Maybe this was going to be even harder than she thought. Chloe gave Izzy a squeeze before stepping back and taking her friend’s hand.

“C’mon, let’s go have a talk.”

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Archie watched Chloe as she walked away from the hospital, wanting nothing more than to trade visits with her. He’d gotten to know Linda Bouchtat pretty well over the course of his friendship with Rae – once Rae had found out his secret, she had become Archie’s confidante and he’d been her stereotypical gay best friend. They’d spent afternoons hanging out in Rae’s room, Archie talking about the lads he fancied and Rae gushing about Finn. Archie smiled to himself as he remembered Rae threatening him with a very painful death if he ever breathed a word to anyone about her feelings for his best mate. He figured he’d never done better with keeping a secret than he did for his Rae.

During those long afternoon hangouts, Archie would often be invited to stay for tea. He and Rae would sit in the living room and watch the matches with the Bouchtats, chatting idly. In that time, Archie had become fairly well acquainted with Rae’s family, and thus the task of this visit fell to him.

As he walked, Archie tried to imagine how the conversation with Linda would go. In nearly every scenario, she broke down in tears as he helplessly looked on. Sometimes Karim would as well. Archie sighed – as if this afternoon hadn’t been hard enough already.

Far too quickly for his liking, Archie was knocking at the Bouchtat’s door. He could faintly hear Abi wailing inside. The sound of her cries gradually intensified, and Archie stepped back as Linda answered the door, Abi in her arms.

Archie felt his mouth hanging open as his mind balked, unable to stammer out a greeting. Never had he seen Linda look so careworn. She was pale with dark circles under her eyes, and her hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in a couple of days. She wore a stained shirt and jogging bottoms. Realizing how rude he was being, Archie snapped his jaw shut and offered what he hoped looked like a genuine smile.

“Hello, Mrs. Bouchtat,” he finally managed, giving her a slight bow of his head.

“Archie,” Linda responded listlessly. “Come in, love.” She started walking back down the hallway to the living room, Abi clutching at her hair and burbling unhappily. Archie stepped inside and closed the door, then made his way to where Linda was waiting for him.

“Tea?” Linda asked, more out of habit than anything. Archie nodded, and received an armful of Abi in return as Linda shuffled her way into the kitchen. An awkward silence followed as the tea brewed, neither of them sure how to proceed. Deciding that he would let Linda take the first step, Archie turned his attention to Abi, who was transfixed by his glasses. It was a good thing he had another pair at home, as her little hands seemed hell-bent on breaking the ones he was wearing.

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember if you take sugar or cream,” Linda’s voice broke in as Archie reclaimed his specs from Abi.

“Neither, thank you,” Archie answered, frowning to himself as Linda turned her attention back to the tea. She had made him countless brews over the course of the past year, and the fact that she couldn’t remember how he took his was troubling.

Linda set the cups down on the dining room table and took a seat, motioning for Archie to hand Abi back to her. Archie complied, then took the seat across from Linda’s. He wrapped his hands around the mug, marveling that even on a warm day like today, a hot cuppa was a comforting thing to have. 

Once again, a strained silence fell over Archie and Linda, each sipping slowly from their mugs and waiting for the other to speak. After several minutes, it became clear to Archie that he was going to have to be the one to begin. He set his mug down, the ceramic clinking gently against the glass tabletop. 

“I came here to let you know that Finn is awake,” he offered, hoping that the bit of good news would help lighten the mood. 

“Oh, and how is he?” Linda queried, a distant look in her eyes. Archie knew that Linda wouldn’t blame Finn for the accident, nor would she resent the fact that he lived while her daughter had died. Still, he couldn’t help but feel that she wasn’t as happy about the news as someone else would have been. 

“Er, he’s not too well off. Mr. Nelson said that the doctors want him on bed rest for at least two months because of how badly his leg was broken. Also because of the burns,” he added with a wince. Of all the various injuries he had sustained in his eighteen years, Archie hated burns the most. He couldn’t figure out how Finn hadn’t gone mad from the pain yet. 

“That’s a shame,” Linda answered, still staring off into space, Abi’s hair-pulling going completely unnoticed. Archie was about to answer with a lame platitude, but suddenly Linda’s gaze was on him. Her eyes were still distant, but at least she was focusing on him. “I should let you know what the plans are for Rae’s service,” she began, her voice hollow. “There’s going to be a memorial service for her on Thursday, but we’re not going to have the burial of her ashes until Finn can attend.” 

Archie blinked, an unexpected lump rising in his throat. He knew Finn was practically a member of the Bouchtat-Earl household, but for some reason, he was touched that they were going to delay the funeral for Finn’s sake. Clearing his throat, he looked down, not wanting Linda to see the moisture building in his eyes. “I’ll… I’ll let Finn know the plans, if you like,” he offered, his voice husky. 

“Let Finn know, and let the rest of your friends know. Thursday at four o’clock for the memorial service. Don’t forget.” 

“I won’t, Mrs. Bouchtat,” Archie promised before knocking back the rest of his tea. He had an urgent desire to be away from the sad figure before him. He knew a better person would stay and try to comfort her, but he was not that person. Not today, at least.

Making his goodbyes, Archie stepped back out into the afternoon sunshine. The memorial service was in three days, and he needed to let the gang know. It looked like an evening out with his mates was in order. Figuring he might as well call everyone from the pay phone at the pub, Archie headed back towards the Swan.

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Finn’s eyes remained fixed on his lap as Archie and Chloe left, their soft goodbyes hardly reaching his ears. As soon as they were out of earshot, he allowed all the thoughts he had been holding back to wash over him. Rae was dead. She was dead, she was gone, he’d never see her again. He’d never hear her laugh, never see that mischievous glint in her eye that she got when she was teasing him, never touch her again. She was gone. She was dead. 

A strange hollow feeling began to grow in his chest, making it even harder to breathe than before. He inhaled sharply, his lungs feeling like they weren’t taking in enough air. Ignoring the pain from his broken ribs, he did it again and again, the air never feeling like it was getting past the aching lump in his throat.

_dead gone she’s gone she died my fault oh god_

Finn’s thoughts looped around and back on themselves, forming a kind of chant in his mind.

_she’s dead she’s gone my fault Rae died my Rae_

Finn rocked back and forth, his eyes unfocused and fixed inward as the awful mantra ran again and again in his head. The tears had not come yet – he was in too much shock to cry. Slowly, his eyes focused on the glistening salve that covered his seared skin. Without thinking much about it, he moved his hands towards the bandages that covered his thighs. He closed his eyes before he dug his fingers into the burned flesh, the resulting pain making him pass out cold.


	4. Chapter 4

_I didn't kiss her hello. Why the fuck didn't I kiss her?_

_When did I last tell her I loved her?_

Finn’s brow furrowed as he lay in his bed, his eyes focused on the ceiling tile above him. He’d already tried counting the tiny holes in the acoustic paneling as a distraction from the thoughts that kept circulating in his head, but he always seemed to lose count when that last thought, the thought that was a hundred times worse than all the others, resurfaced. 

_It was my fault._

Finn squeezed his eyes shut and concentrated on keeping his breath steady. He’d given the hospital staff a few scares over the last couple of days – his thoughts kept driving him into hyperventilation spells, the now familiar hollowness that kept rising in his chest making it feel like he couldn’t get any air. As he lay there, he heard his father’s voice come unbidden into his mind.

_“It wasn’t your fault, Finn. You had the right of way. You didn’t have a give-way sign; they did. You did nothing wrong.”_

Oh, what Finn wouldn’t give to be able to believe that load of bullshit. It didn’t matter what road signs had or had not been there. What mattered was that he hadn’t been paying enough attention and Rae was dead because of him. She’d entrusted him with her safety every time she had gotten on the scooter with him, and he had failed her in the worst way. He had failed everybody who had ever loved her. 

At that thought, Finn lost what little control he had. He heard the monitor next to his bed begin to beep, alerting the nurses to a potential problem. He saw this morning’s head nurse, Vicky, jogging towards his doorway with her clipboard in hand. Once she realized what was happening, she set her clipboard down and went to stand by the side of his bed. 

“Okay, let’s sit up,” she prompted softly, helping Finn into a more upright position. She began rubbing his back in small, comforting circles, trying to calm him down enough so he could get his breathing under control. “Shh, it’s okay, you’ll be fine,” she reassured him calmly. “Remember what we have to do when this happens? Purse your lips and breathe through your mouth, deep into your belly,” she reminded Finn, watching her patient closely. Soon enough, Finn’s breathing normalized and she stepped away. 

Finn gave her a nod as she returned to her station, then settled himself back into bed. If he wasn’t careful, these thoughts were going to be the death of him. It should have scared him when he realized he didn’t care if he did end up dead, but it didn’t. He was very much beyond caring about himself at this point.

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Finn didn’t see another person that morning until one of the nurses came around with the meal trolley. He ignored the cheery “good morning” that the nurse gave him, accepting the covered plate in silence. After the nurse had gone, Finn picked up the lid and peered inside. Scrambled eggs and a sausage with an applesauce cup. He looked to the menu posted on the wall to see which day that breakfast corresponded to. 

It was Friday. 

The realization gave Finn a sickening sinking feeling. He’d been so out of it that he’d let Thursday pass completely unregarded. The day of Rae’s memorial service, and he hadn’t even been aware enough to note its passing. What a shit boyfriend he was. And to think he’d been preparing to ask Rae to saddle herself with him for the rest of her life. She’d definitely dodged a bullet there. 

Finn clapped the lid back onto the plate and pushed it away -- he was far too disgusted with himself to have any sort of appetite. What he needed was a respite from his thoughts. Finn closed his eyes as he clicked the button on the morphine drip, laying back as the warm wave of opioid washed through him.

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The rest of the morning passed in a haze. It wasn’t until the debridement team came to perform the day’s burn cleaning that Finn really woke up. He lay still, letting the nurses do their work, nodding or shaking his head in answer whenever they asked him a question. He’d only spoken a handful of times since his dad left on the day he’d woken up. He might have talked more if anybody ever visited, but that hadn’t happened since Archie and Chloe had come to see him. 

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He had woken up once on Wednesday to find a note on his bedside table from Izzy and Chop. They had stopped by, but the nurse had insisted that they let him sleep. Still, that was two days ago, and there hadn’t been a visit since. He knew why he hadn’t seen his dad – the elder Nelson was even more poorly equipped for dealing with the hospital than Finn was, so it was no surprise that he’d only talked to his son over the phone. His mates, though… There was a small part of Finn that was disappointed that he hadn't seen much of his friends, but a far greater part of him was relieved. He didn't quite know if he was ready to see the gang yet, to directly face the Rae-shaped hole in the middle of the group for the first time. 

The salve was being reapplied when Finn heard someone clear their throat by the door. He peered over the bent form of one of the nurses to see Archie standing in the doorway, his eyes fixed on Finn’s legs. The expression on Archer’s face was something to behold – Finn couldn’t decide if it was amazed disgust or just plain old terror. 

“Looks that bad?” Finn asked, his voice rusty with disuse. Archie visibly swallowed, then sat in the visitor’s chair that had been temporarily relocated to make room for the debridement crew. He watched as new bandages were wrapped around Finn’s left leg and carefully placed over the right, wondering how on earth Finn wasn’t screaming from pain until he noticed Finn pressing the button on the morphine drip. Once the nurses had cleaned everything up and were moving on to the next patient, Archie brought the chair up to Finn’s bedside and took a seat. 

“Yeah, it looks that bad,” Archie finally answered, his eyes intent on Finn, who was lifting the corner of the bandage on his right thigh to get a better look at what was underneath.

“’S a lot better’n before,” Finn said, his voice cracking again. Bollocks -- he sounded like he was going through puberty.  He cleared his throat in annoyance and took a sip of water from the ever-present cup that was kept on the bedside table. “Morphine helps a lot, lets ‘em clean it more without it hurtin’.” 

“That’s good to hear,” Archie replied, trying his best not to look at the angry red skin on Finn’s leg. This visit had already been destined to be an awkward one considering what he was there to talk about, but somehow seeing the extent of the burn damage made Archie feel even more uncomfortable. A strained silence fell over the two friends as they both desperately wished they were anywhere but in that room together. 

The awkwardness was not lessened for Archie when Finn suddenly turned his gaze on him. “Rae’s memorial service was yesterday,” Finn said bluntly, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “It was her memorial service, and I couldn’t be there. I didn’t even realize it had already happened until this mornin’,” Finn confessed before he turned his face away, wanting to avoid seeing the disappointment that he knew would be in Archie’s eyes. 

Archie, normally good for a comforting word or two, sat in dismayed silence as Finn wept in front of him for the second time in a week. He could see his friend’s throat working, the Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as Finn tried to bottle everything up. Feeling utterly useless, Archie waited quietly until Finn was ready to talk.

After what felt like an hour, Finn turned back and faced forward, steadfastly avoiding meeting Archie’s eyes. He began fiddling with the edge of the sheet that covered his lap, fingers picking at a loose thread. Before long, he uttered the words Archie had been waiting to hear. 

“Archer. Tell me what it was like.”

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Archie sat forward as he described Rae’s service for Finn, closing his eyes at times so he could visualize everything and everyone that had been there. He had brought Finn a copy of the pamphlet the funeral home had provided and one of the white silk roses that had been handed out to the attendees. Finn read over the pamphlet, wondering what the various verses and readings were. He had never been much for religion, so passage numbers meant nothing to him. He just hoped that everything that had been read for her was beautiful. He placed the paper aside and picked up the silk rose, rolling the stem back and forth with his fingertips as he listened to Archie describe the beginning of the service. 

Archie watched as Finn began to fiddle with the flower. Despite the fact that he had asked his friend to tell him everything about yesterday, it didn’t seem like Finn was really taking in what was being said. He seemed detached, lost in his own head. Archie thought maybe it was time to pull out the big guns, see if he couldn’t draw Finn out a little. 

“Oh, right. You’d never guess who was there,” he said, his voice cutting in on Finn’s thoughts. 

Finn cast his mate a vaguely questioning look. “Who?” 

“Big G.” 

“What?” Finn asked, a small flash of anger briefly sparking in his eyes. “What was that scumbag doing there?” 

“I asked him the same. He said that he and Rae had come to an understanding a while ago. Apparently it happened sometime last year, actually. He wouldn’t say how, though – said he couldn’t tell me out of respect for Rae.” 

Finn paused – now that he thought about it, it had been a long time since Rae had mentioned being harassed by the Green Lane twats. He wondered what could have possibly passed between the two of them that had stopped the harassment and had been bad or sad or strange enough that Rae never told him about it. “Maybe it’s a good thing I weren’t there. I’d have kept my promise to curl him up,” Finn muttered, bothered by the fact that someone who had caused Rae so much pain and humiliation had attended her service, regardless of whatever this ‘understanding’ was. 

“When did you promise that?” Archie asked, utterly confused. 

“Last summer, righ’ afore Knebworth,” Finn offered with a shrug so small that Archie barely noticed it. Judging by the way Finn cut his eyes away, it was pretty clear that he didn’t want to clarify further, so Archie let it go. Anyway, the news of Big G had done what Archie had hoped it would – he had actually seen a bit of life in Finn, even if only momentarily. 

Satisfied, Archie continued with his description of the service. He told Finn about everything from the flowers to which photographs of Rae had been on display. He spoke of how he and Chloe had sung a rendition of Eva Cassidy’s ‘Songbird’ and of how old Mrs. Dewhurst had broken down in tears as soon as she had stepped into the room. He painted a picture with words for Finn, trying his damnedest to help his best mate feel like he might have been there himself. 

By the time Archie finished, it was nearing two o’clock. “Well, mate, I’ve got to get to football, so…” he said, standing up as he gave Finn an apologetic grimace. Normally Finn would be competing in the match with him, and Archie wondered if he’d made a mistake mentioning it at all. Not just because he was leaving his friend for a sport, but because football was Finn’s favorite, a favorite that he wasn’t going to be able to play on that broken leg anytime soon. 

“Alrigh’,” Finn said, watching Archie prepare to leave. “Give ‘em hell,” he added, though there was no spirit behind it. 

Archie gave Finn a nod before he made his way towards the door. His heart was heavy -- though the visit had gone a bit better than he had hoped it would, it was still hard to see Finn so lifeless.

“Arch?” 

At Finn’s quiet call, Archie looked back and saw the first smile that Finn had worn since Chloe had told him about Rae. It was small and it was flat and it did nothing to diminish the overwhelming sadness in his eyes, but it was a smile. Archie would take what he could get. “Yeah, mate?” 

“Thanks.” 

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“Hey, Izzy.” 

“Oh. Hi, Chloe.” 

Even over the phone, Chloe could sense that Izzy was less than excited to hear from her. “I was wondering if you wanted to meet at the Swan later?” It had been a few days since Chloe had seen any of her friends, with the exception of the memorial service, where things had ended up being awkwardly formal amongst everyone. 

There was a pause on the other end, then Izzy’s voice filled her ears with yet another lie. “Sorry, Chlo, mum’s making me stay in tonight. Said she wants to have a ‘family night’ or something.” 

_Sure, Iz, whatever you say._

“Oh, that’s alright, then,” Chloe answered, hoping her voice didn’t show her skepticism. “I’ll just check with Archie and Chop.” 

Another pause. “Er, Mum invited Chop. To stay. For the family night,” Izzy stammered. “Maybe we can go tomorrow night?” she chirped, sounding a little more like the normal Izzy than she had just a second before. 

_You are such a horrible liar, Izzy._

“Right. Talk to you tomorrow, then.” The line went dead, and Chloe stared at her pink shoe phone with a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She hadn’t been able to get a hold of Archie at all since Tuesday night, and Izzy had clearly been avoiding her for the past three days. Then there was the matter of Finn – Chloe didn’t think she could face him, even if he did want to see her again after the awful way she had told him about Rae. Chloe winced as she remembered how blunt she’d been. One could make the argument that she had been in shock (and one would be right), but she still felt like there could have been a better way to tell him. 

Chloe sighed and picked her phone back up. She dialed Archie’s number and rolled her eyes as she got their answering machine yet again. Not bothering to leave a (third? fourth? ninth? she had lost track) message, Chloe hung up and flopped face-down onto her bed. What was happening with her friends? Shouldn’t they be even closer than before in the wake of a shared tragedy? That’s how it happened in movies. She wanted the dancing-in-the-kitchen, Motown-soundtracked, celebrating-life kind of grieving she had seen in The Big Chill. She hadn’t really cared for the movie when she had seen it, but she couldn’t help but think of it now. Those people had been willing to continue on, to let themselves be happy even though one of their best mates had died. Why couldn’t that be the gang? Why couldn’t they honor Rae in a happy way, in a way she would have wanted? Considering how hard Rae had fought to keep the gang together last year, Chloe felt that she’d be furious if she could see the way they were all behaving now. 

Well, if nobody else was willing to go to the Swan with her, she’d just have to go by herself. At least one of the gang could celebrate Rae’s life by having a little fun. At least one of the gang could do their best to not ignore what Rae would have wanted. If that someone had to be her, so be it. She changed into her favorite skirt and top, then freshened her makeup. Making her way downstairs, she shouted to her dad that she was going out, then grabbed her jacket and car keys and headed out the door. 

The drive to the Swan was short, and before long, Chloe was sitting at the bar with a cranberry vodka in front of her. It was strange being at the bar, but it would have felt even weirder to sit at the gang’s customary table without anyone else there. Besides, it was already occupied. Chloe tried not to stare at the group of happy college kids that were gathered around the table, sharing a joke over their pints. Just a week ago, that would have been her and her friends, all happy and carefree and brilliant as the sun. 

Feeling the telltale prick of tears behind her eyes, Chloe picked up her drink and raised her glass to the gang who was everything hers was no longer. One or two of the kids gave her a confused look, but returned the gesture. Tears flowing freely now, Chloe turned her back to them, a lonely figure in a sea of faces.


	5. Chapter 5

The last four months had passed in a blur for Finn. At first, his days had felt like they had only consisted of burn cleanings, bad hospital food, and long stretches of restless sleep. He’d been out for two months now, and even though he was back home, things weren’t much better. Instead of debridement, he had physical therapy. The bad hospital food had been replaced with his father’s questionable cooking, and whether it was due to pain or nightmares, he figured he’d not had a single night of uninterrupted sleep since the night before everything had gone to hell. Also, there was the itching. 

Finn scratched at his leg through his trousers as he and his dad drove through town. He could feel the slight hills and valleys of his now-healed skin, the scar tissue giving his leg an almost rubberlike feel. 

_At least it isn’t as bad as it were. Still bloody awful, though._

His lower right leg continued to drive him mad most of the time – the walking cast that he had graduated to a week and a half ago was constantly irritating his skin, and it never felt like he could scratch deep enough to relieve the itch. Fortunately, Dr. Tremaine had told him that he was allowed to remove it from time to time, a decree that he took advantage of as often as he could. 

Finn watched the town pass slowly by, his dad driving at what felt like a crawl. He could see other vehicles pull over in deference as their line of cars rolled through Stamford. He wondered who the people inside all those other cars were, because he couldn’t imagine anyone in town not wanting to be a part of the procession. It was their loss, he supposed. Well, it was everyone’s loss, really. 

Closing his eyes wearily, Finn rested his head against the window, the glass cool against his forehead. He kept them closed until he felt the car stop and heard his dad’s voice quietly telling him that they had reached their destination. The old hollowness returned as Finn opened his eyes, the grassy expanse of the Stamford cemetery spreading out before him. He had been dreading this day for months, dreading it to the point where a small part of him wished they had buried her instead of memorializing her on that Thursday so long ago. However, the greater part of him was thankful for what Linda had done for him. She was giving him the chance to say goodbye. 

A brisk September breeze ruffled Finn’s hair as he levered himself out of the car, the wind cutting through the fabric of his suit. He grimaced down at the walking cast, seeing it as yet another reminder of why they were there. His dad mistook the look for one of pain and hurried to his son’s side with anxiety etched into lines around his eyes. Finn nearly waved him off before he realized that the uneven ground was going to make walking difficult, and, accepting his father’s offer of a shoulder to steady himself on, Finn began making his way to where Rae was waiting for him.

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As they approached Rae’s burial plot, Finn could see Chloe talking to Linda, both women gamely trying to contain their tears with moderate success. Izzy and Chop were already seated three rows back, and Archie had taken a spot at the end of the front row, his guitar case on the ground beside his chair. Finn gave his father a soft clap on the shoulder, indicating that he could walk on his own from that point on. Mr. Nelson nodded and made his way to the rear row of seats, leaving his son to slowly hobble towards Linda and Chloe. 

Finn felt his stomach churning as he drew closer to Linda. He had no idea what he could possibly say to her – he’d never been much good at comforting anybody except Rae. He needn’t have worried, however; before he could open his mouth to speak, Linda was embracing him awkwardly. Rae hadn’t been joking when she had told him that her family wasn’t good at hugging, and Finn found himself giving Linda clumsy little pats on her back as she clung onto him. Just as Finn was starting to feel uncomfortable, Karim appeared, much to Finn’s relief. Linda gave Finn’s hand a squeeze as she stepped away wordlessly, allowing her husband to steer her towards her seat. 

Chloe had made herself scarce while Finn had been occupied with Linda. Finn looked around and saw her sitting next to Izzy, which seemed perfectly natural until he clocked the way that Izzy had her back turned slightly towards Chloe. Something was off there, but he wasn’t going to be able to figure out what it was until later, as he was to sit in the front row at Linda’s insistence. 

Finn found his seat and slowly lowered himself into it. Once he was settled, his gaze fell on the one thing he had been avoiding looking at since he had gotten there. The silver urn sat on a small table, flanked on both sides by wreaths of flowers. There was also a framed photo of Rae, her laughing face beaming at him as he sat trying his hardest not to cry. He missed everything about her, but there was nothing he missed more than her laugh and the way her eyes lit up and crinkled at the corners as she chortled. 

Breathing shakily, Finn turned his attention to the other people filing into their seats. Stamford was a small town, and he knew the majority of the attendees by sight if nothing else. Many who met his gaze gave him sympathetic nods, knowing how devoted he’d been to Rae. Before long, everyone was seated and the officiator was taking his place near the table up front. 

Rae’s family had never been particularly religious until Karim had come around, and Linda had chosen a short, non-denominational service for her eldest daughter. Even so, Finn found himself losing track of the words as the officiator spoke, everything passing by him in a drone. 

The sound of guitar case latches snapping open brought Finn back to reality, and he watched as his best mate chose a spot to stand, putting himself slightly off to the side of the table up front. Archie cleared his throat nervously and looked over the gathering of people who had come to celebrate Rae. “I once wrote a song for Rae to apologize for being a horrible friend and not standing up for her,” he began, his voice full of shame. “Now I’m standing up here to sing her a different version. This is Setting Sun.”

 

_“We miss you more day by day_

_Wish you hadn't left this way_

_Grief is like a rising tide_

_Dark without you by our sides._

_In the shadows, in the night,_

_Lost without your shining light._

_Our Rae of sunshine shone so bright,_

_Our Rae made everything alright._

_"Didn’t get to say goodbye"_

_Are the words we want to cry._

_Saw your soul gain wings and fly_

_Know you're flyin' up so high._

_Our Rae of sunshine shining down,_

_Oh, Rae, your sun is setting now...”_

An aching silence fell as the last chord faded away, broken by Archie’s reflexive throat-clearing. Looking down, Archie put his guitar away and took his seat. Finn tried to catch his eye, but Archie was staring steadfastly ahead. 

Finn returned his attention to the front as the officiator resumed his spot next to the table and picked up the silvery urn that contained Rae, placing it into a velvety drawstring bag. Giving a simple blessing, he asked the attendees to stand. 

Once he was on his feet, Finn could see down into the small hole that was Rae’s plot. An unlidded concrete box was at the bottom, and it was into this that the officiator lowered Rae’s ashes, using the drawstring on the bag to gently place her inside. He lifted his hand in benediction, ending the ceremony with little fanfare. 

Finn barely noticed as the service concluded, the sounds of people filing out of their seats falling on deaf ears. He sat staring at the hole in the ground, completely disregarding the handful of people who had cautiously approached him, then backed away when they saw the pain in his eyes. He hardly registered the brief hugs from his friends, and didn’t notice how they all avoided each other as people milled around. However, he did notice Karim and Linda making their way to the edge of the hole and how Linda beckoned him to join them. 

“Have to watch it get lidded and make sure everything’s right,” Linda explained quietly as the lid to the concrete box was fetched. 

Finn took one last look at the velvet bag, wishing with all his heart that it had been him instead. Rae had had a difficult life, and though she had been doing better towards the end (he hoped fervently that he had played at least a small part in that), Finn didn’t think she had ever been one hundred percent okay. It wasn’t fair that she had been taken before she’d had a shot at being truly happy, while the grumpy sod that he was had been allowed to continue on. 

Eyes burning with unshed tears, Finn watched as the lid to the concrete box was fitted on, forever hiding her away from him. He waited with Karim and Linda as the diggers came by with their shovels to fill Rae’s plot. They watched as dirt rained down from spades -- the patter of dirt clods hitting the concrete box was the single worst sound Finn had heard in his life. Once the hole was filled, the dirt was tamped down and the sod was replaced over the dirt. Linda nodded when the funeral director asked her if everything was to her satisfaction, then she and Karim stepped away to speak with the lingering mourners. 

It wasn’t long before Finn was the only one remaining. Mr. Nelson had retreated to the car to give his son some room to grieve, and the Bouchtats had taken a couple of chairs to the base of an old sycamore to do the same. Three pairs of eyes watched the figure of the boy standing by his girlfriend’s grave, three heavy hearts breaking all over again as they looked on. 

Finn knelt carefully by the grave marker that proclaimed a simple, shattering truth:

_Rachel A. O. Earl_

_Dec. 13, 1979 – May 24, 1997_

_Beloved_

He felt the carefully built walls he’d been hiding behind all day begin to crumble as his finger traced over her date of death -- it was unfathomably cruel that his nickname for Rae should be emblazoned on her marker, that it had become something unthinkable with such ease. With that realization, all the sobs he had been holding back came bubbling up unbidden, racking his body as he rocked back and forth. 

He’d wanted to talk to her. There had been a million words he’d wanted to say, telling her how much he loved her and missed her and needed her, that there were no words good enough to express how sorry he was for what had happened. He’d wanted to say so many things, but he felt all his words leave him as he knelt by her side, his hand resting on her grave marker as he fell apart with grief.


	6. Chapter 6

Archie looked up as the front door opened and frowned at what he saw behind it. It had been two days since the funeral, and Finn looked like absolute hell – pale, unwashed, and sleep-deprived. With a sigh, Archie brandished the six-pack of ale he had brought to help grease the conversational wheels, and Finn stepped aside to let him in. Wordlessly, the two ascended the stairs to Finn’s room, where Archie found an unexpected visitor. 

“Chloe,” Archie blurted when he saw her sitting in Finn’s chair, looking as surprised as he felt. None of the gang had really had much to do with one another except when absolutely necessary as of late, and as hard as it was to admit to himself, he wasn’t exactly happy to see her there. Clearing his throat, Archie tried to smooth over the awkward greeting. “Er, want a beer? Sorry they’re not cold,” he said, waving a can of ale at her. She accepted, and Archie passed her the can before handing one to Finn. 

Cracking one open for himself, Archie took up a perch on the end of Finn’s desk and took a look around the room that was as familiar to him as his own. While not completely slovenly, it was obvious that Finn wasn’t taking care of things as well as he normally would have. Half-full mugs of tea decorated nearly every surface, there was a pile of dirty clothes in the corner, and there was a fair amount of dust on the horizontal surfaces. 

An awkward silence hung over the trio as they sipped from their cans. None of them could meet each other’s glances, and there was a strangeness in the air that Archie couldn’t quite put his finger on. He had nearly finished his ale before he figured it out. There wasn’t any music playing. Archie sighed sadly – he couldn’t remember a single time where Finn hadn’t had something spinning on the turntable, and the lack of music spoke more about his best mate’s state of mind than anything else. He glanced down at the record player and saw the same layer of dust that adorned the rest of the room clouding its translucent cover. God, it was even worse than he thought. 

Finn was staring into the middle distance, paying no attention to his guests. Archie was looking out through Finn’s window when he felt Chloe’s gaze burning into him and glanced over, curious. She nodded her head subtly, pointing to Finn with her chin. Archie shrugged – he knew Finn wasn’t his normal self, but what did she expect him to do about it?  With an exasperated look, Chloe shook her head and nodded again. Archie turned his gaze to his right, trying to figure out what she was attempting to show him. At first, he couldn’t see anything different or out of place, other than the tea mugs and maybe some extra papers on the nightstand. 

Then he saw it. 

 _Oh, shit._

The black box sat innocuously on Finn’s nightstand, but the small velveteen clamshell loomed like Stonehenge in Archie’s mind. He’d known Finn was very serious about his relationship with Rae, but he’d not known that Finn had been preparing to propose. Archie turned back to Chloe and saw his misery mirrored in her eyes. She gave him a worried shrug, silently asking him what they should do. He stared at her for a moment – he didn’t care much for her presence there, but he realized that their mutual worry for Finn was pushing them into a temporary alliance. 

“Another beer, Chloe?” he asked suddenly, going with the first thing that came to mind. He willed her to accept, which she did. Archie went over to hand her a new can. 

“Don’t say anything about it,” he muttered under his breath as he handed Chloe the can.

“Yeah, alright, but did you know?” she returned just as quietly.

Archie shook his head grimly before he returned to his perch, then opened a new ale for himself and took a huge swig, draining half the can. He felt his mind spinning as he tried to figure out what to say. He’d come over figuring that Finn needed company, even if it was the silent kind. Now that he’d seen the ring box, Archie felt compelled to distract Finn from, well,  _everything_. 

“Anybody check out the new Blur album?” he asked the room, desperate for anything that they could all three talk about. He knew Chloe wasn’t into the same type of music as he and Finn were, but his whirling mind couldn’t come up with anything else with such short notice. “Finn?” 

Finn blinked and looked up at Archie, his eyes clouded and dark-rimmed from lack of sleep. He frowned and shook his head slightly as if to clear it. “Soz, Arch. What’d ya say?” 

“I asked if you’d heard the new Blur album yet,” Archie answered, suddenly feeling very lame for having asked such a superficial question. Why would Finn want to talk about music? Judging by the dusty turntable cover, it was a touchy area. Archie could have punched himself. 

Finn shook his head again, this time in answer. He looked down at the can in his hands, turning it with his fingertips, clearly as uncomfortable as Archie was. Nervously clearing his throat, Archie turned to Chloe. 

“How about you, Chloe?” 

Chloe gave him an ‘are you kidding me?’ look, but forced a smile on her face as she replied. “No, I haven’t had the chance to. It was the gang who always had me listening to Blur,” she added, which made Finn glance up. 

“What d’ya mean?” Finn asked, his gaze sharpening as his curiosity was piqued. He’d already forgotten how Izzy and Chop had been fairly ignoring Chloe at the funeral. He’d meant to ask about it, but it had completely fled his mind by the time he saw Chloe today. 

Chloe looked down, suddenly quite interested in a loose thread on the hem of her shirt. She picked at it as she gave a small shrug. “Oh, nothing. We just haven’t, you know, been hangin’ out much lately,” she offered lamely. 

“Avoidin’ each other, like,” Finn said bluntly, shifting his gaze to Archie. It wasn’t a question, but Archie had no idea how to answer his friend. That, and the expression on Finn's face was giving him pause – it was almost smug, like he’d been proven right about something. 

Seeing Archie's questioning look, Finn sighed. “I told her she was the glue,” he admitted simply. “I told her she was the one who held us all together, and she didn’t believe me. Guess I were right.” 

“Yeah,” Chloe agreed, still avoiding the boys’ eyes. “You know… she’d be so mad at us if she knew we weren’t hanging out anymore. She fought so hard to fix us last year, remember?” she finished quietly, still picking at the thread on her top. 

Archie’s chin met his chest as he looked down, considering Chloe’s words. She was right – Rae would be blowing her top if she knew how the gang was behaving towards each other. The last few times they had gotten together had been to spread the word on plans for the memorial and funeral services, and not much more. In the four months since then, things had been increasingly tense each time he had seen one of the gang. The fact that he didn’t see any of them anymore except for the occasional chance encounter didn’t help anything, either. They were all avoiding each other like the plague, and the longer they were away from one another, the more awkward things felt when they did cross each other’s paths. 

“I think we should try to get everyone together. We could meet at the chippy like we used to,” Chloe continued after a pause. Archie wasn’t too keen on the idea of spending time with people who had gone out of their way to avoid him, but the loneliness in Chloe’s voice struck him. He’d never been particularly close to her – rather, she was the one out of the group that Archie knew the least – but seeing her like this made him uncomfortable. Maybe it was worth a shot? He glanced over at Finn before he answered, but Finn didn't look like he cared one way or another. 

Reluctantly, Archie nodded his assent. “Alright, Chloe. When should we meet?”

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It had been tough getting everyone to agree to meet up at the chippy, but Chloe was feeling lighter than she had in months. The gang’s fallout had troubled her more than she had let on, and the chance of reconcilement was exciting. Sure, she had other friends, but this group had meant more to her than the rest of them put together, and not seeing them had been wearing her down. 

Chloe glanced through the window of the chip shop as she approached. All four of her friends were there, which was pleasantly surprising. Izzy and Chop had taken some convincing, but Chloe suspected that Izzy missed the gang as well, and where she went, Chop followed. However, Chloe had doubted Archie’s ability to convince Finn to join them. He’d been so distant during their visit, and hadn’t looked too chuffed at the idea of going to the chippy when she had first suggested it. Maybe his dad had forced him to leave the house? Well, whatever the reason, he was here, and that's what was important. 

Taking a deep breath, Chloe opened the door and stepped in to the familiar smells of chips and battered sausages. She made her way over to where the others were sitting, only sensing the tense quiet that lay over the group as she reached the table.  _Why aren’t they talking?_ Four pairs of eyes turned towards her as she sat down. “Er, hi guys,” Chloe piped, trying to sound cheery despite the sinking feeling she was getting in her stomach. She hadn’t been here thirty seconds yet, and already she felt like this might have been a mistake. 

“Hey, Chloe,” Izzy answered, her eyes reflecting Chloe’s anxiety. She didn’t get up and hug Chloe like she normally would have, but Chloe figured that was to be expected. Things weren’t normal anymore, and it would be silly of her to think that they could fall back into their old ways immediately. Chloe’s smile faltered as the other three dropped their gazes to the table silently.  _Aren’t they even going to say hello? Things are even worse than I thought._  

Chloe watched her friends as they fiddled and fidgeted, each unwilling to look at the people they had once called mates. After a few minutes of strained silence, Chloe gave an exasperated sigh. “Oi, why aren’t ya talkin’? That’s what we came here to do, isn’t it?” She heard Finn give a snort and rounded on him. “If you didn’t come to talk, why are ya here?” 

“’M here ‘cause me da made me come,” he answered with a thunderous glance at Archie, who looked vaguely guilty. “I wouldn’a had to if Archie hadn’t told ‘im about it.” Finn’s expression shifted to a darkly sulking one as he returned his gaze to the table. “I mean, why would I want talk to a bunch of people who hardly visited me in hospital anyway?” 

It was Chloe’s turn to look sheepish. “I’m sorry, Finn. I just… I’m no good with hospitals, I didn’t know what to do,” she explained, her voice trailing into a whisper. How could she explain how guilty she'd felt about how she'd told him about Rae? It would only look like a lame excuse, not any better than the one she had just given. 

“I can tell you what not to have done. You could’ve not ignored your mate.” Finn’s tone was harsh, causing Chloe to inhale sharply. “And you. You were me best mate. Would’ve thought I’d have seen ya more than five times,” Finn continued, now focusing his ire on Archie. 

Archie paled, but met Finn’s gaze straight on. Before he could answer, Chloe heard herself interjecting. “At least you saw him at all. I couldn’t even get him to pick up the phone.”  _Ugh, no!_   _What am I doing?_

Archie turned his attention to Chloe, surprised by the accusation from an unexpected quarter, especially since he had been the one to endorse her idea of this meet-up. She winced inwardly at the hurt in his eyes, but she had realized that she had grievances of her own to air. All the pain and rejection of the last four months came tumbling out, as much to her surprise as everybody else’s. 

“You two kept avoiding me. You don’t think I couldn’t tell that you were lying to me, Izzy?” Chloe asked, narrowing her eyes at the pair at the end of the table. Chop pressed his mouth into a thin line, then looked to Izzy. Whatever he was feeling, he wasn’t going to say, preferring to defer to his girlfriend. 

Izzy’s face went red as she stammered, “I… I’m really sorry, Chlo, it was stupid of me. I just didn’t think I could handle talking about Rae again,” she quavered. “I know I was the one who wanted everyone to talk it out, but it was too much for me after that last time.” 

“You could have just told me that, Izzy! Any of ya could’ve!” Chloe countered, hurt anger burning in her chest. She pointed to Archie, Izzy, and Chop in turn. “You could have picked up a phone, you could have not lied to me, and you could have kept Izzy from lying in the first place.” She turned to Finn, who was brooding. “And if you were so lonely, you could’ve called. The phone works both ways, Finn.” 

Finn glanced up, then shook his head as he looked away, biting his lower lip. “Right. I’m just gonna go,” he muttered, pushing himself away from the table and standing in one fluid motion. Chloe felt tears building behind her eyes as she watched him leave. This wasn’t at all how things were supposed to go, and she didn’t have anyone else but herself to blame. If she’d just kept her mouth shut, they might all be talking things out right now. 

She made a small strangled noise as Archie also stood to leave. “Don’t go, Archie,” she pleaded. He looked down at her, his expression unreadable, then left without a word. Chloe gazed at Chop and Izzy with fading hope. 

“Sorry, Chloe, I think we’re done,” Chop said as he and Izzy got up and made their way towards the door. He gave her a farewell clap on the shoulder as they passed, and the small kindness after such a tense meeting broke Chloe’s tenuous hold on her emotions. She wept openly as she watched the last two of her friends walk out, the small bell above tinkling merrily as the door closed behind them.

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“Finn?” 

Finn paused as he heard his dad call him, his foot hovering over the bottom step of the stairs. He had tried to come in as quietly as possible to avoid detection, but apparently he had failed. He closed his eyes briefly before he called back. “Yeah, Da?” 

“You got a call from Linda Bouchtat while you were out with your friends,” Mr. Nelson said as he walked through the hallway towards his son. “Asked if you could call her back as soon as you got in.” 

Finn blinked. Why was Linda calling him? Curious, he took the slip of paper his dad was trying to hand him. He glanced at it and sighed – as if he could have forgotten the phone number to Rae’s house. He followed his father into the kitchen and took the phone off of the receiver. He dialed quickly, then turned and shooed his dad away. Whatever this was about, he was fairly sure he didn’t want his father listening in. 

“Hello?” 

“Er, hi, Mrs. Bouchtat. It’s Finn.” 

“Oh, hi, love. Thanks for calling me back.” Linda paused, then continued when it was apparent that Finn was waiting for an explanation. “I’m sorry to call you on such short notice, but do you think you could come watch Abi for a couple of hours? Something’s come up and I can’t get a hold of any of her regular sitters, and you were always so good with her, before…” Linda’s voice trailed off and a tense silence fell, both of them knowing what she had been about to say. 

Finn hesitated. He wasn’t entirely sure he could face that house just yet. However, he couldn’t leave little Abi with a stranger, someone who didn’t know what her different cries meant or how to make her laugh. Before he could talk himself out of it, Finn agreed, much to Linda’s relief. 

“Bless you, Finn. Come ‘round six, I’ll leave dinner for you.” 

Saying a quick goodbye, Finn hung up and wandered to the living room, where his father sat reading a book on 1960’s rock bands. He dropped down onto the sofa and rubbed at his face, groaning softly. 

“What was that all about?” Mr. Nelson asked, casting a curious glance at his son as he marked his place in his book. 

“She wants me to babysit Abi,” came Finn’s reply, muffled by the hand that he still had up to his face. “I said yeah,” he added as he caught his dad’s eye. “I don’t know why I did. 'M not sure if I can handle being over there.” 

“You did it because it’s the right thing to do,” Mr. Nelson reasoned simply. 

“S’pose,” Finn answered back, his tone glum. “I’m going over at six. They’ll give me dinner,” he added, secretly glad for that and hoping it didn’t show. His father wasn’t the worst cook he’d ever seen, but Linda was loads better. 

Checking the time, Finn reached for the remote to the telly and switched the set on. He wasn’t genuinely interested in anything that was on; he only wanted a distraction to while away the hour and a half he had before he needed to leave. The meeting at the chippy was eating away at him --  the dissolution of the gang, as hard as it had been to believe at first, looked to be fairly complete. Even though they had all been mates before meeting her, the loss of Rae had shattered them. He could admit to himself that he missed his friends, but after the personal attacks and lame excuses that had been flung around at the chip shop, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be around them anymore. Sighing, Finn allowed the flickering light and steady sound to wash over him as he sat, marking time until he needed to be at the Bouchtat’s. 

Five forty-five rolled around quickly enough, and Finn made ready to leave. He was unaccountably nervous about babysitting Abi – he’d done it a million times with Rae, and the little girl was practically his own sister. He knew there was zero reason for him to be on tenterhooks like he was, but he couldn’t shake the feeling. Bidding his dad goodbye, Finn left his house. He paused a second by the car, but ultimately opted to walk rather than drive, hoping that some fresh air would clear his head. 

The walk took more time than it usually did, his feet feeling heavy and his stride slowing as he neared the Bouchtat’s. He took a deep breath as he finally reached the end of their driveway, his eyes automatically glancing up at Rae’s window before he stepped forward and knocked at the door. He moved a respectful distance back as he saw a shadow move across the frosted glass door panel. 

“Finn, come in,” Linda greeted as she opened the door, ushering him inside. She shut the door behind them and handed Abi over to Finn. “Thank you for coming over on such short notice,” she said over her shoulder as they made their way down the hall towards the living room, where Karim was shrugging on a jacket. 

Finn settled Abi easily against his side as he walked, her small body fitting perfectly in the crook of his arm. “You’re welcome, Mrs. Bouchtat,” he answered, defaulting to politeness in the tense atmosphere. As casual as everyone was trying to appear, Rae’s absence hung over them all, making each acutely aware of how things had changed. When he was Rae’s boyfriend, Linda was Linda and Karim was Karim. Now that he didn’t have a direct tie to their family, they were Mr. and Mrs. Bouchtat in his head. 

Linda gave him a melancholy smile, sadness darkening her eyes. She stood looking at him for a minute before visibly gathering her thoughts and brightening the smile. “Right, dinner is keeping warm in the oven, help yourself to as much as you like,” she directed, gathering her purse and jacket as she and her husband moved towards the door. “I’ve left the phone number to where we are going on the kitchen counter. You know where to find Abi’s things. Oh, and she’ll need to eat in half an hour. I’ve left a list of the things she can have.” Linda glanced around, making sure she had everything she needed, and, apparently satisfied, she continued. “If anything happens, go to Mrs. Dewhurst’s. We’ll be back around ten. Be a good girl, Abi!” Linda planted a kiss on the top of her daughter’s head, and with that the Bouchtats swept out the door. 

Abi gave a small gurgle and grabbed at Finn’s shirt, her tiny fists balling up the material. He looked down at her and smiled softly, eliciting a toothless grin. “Alrigh’, chuck, it’s just you and me,” he said sadly, remembering the last time he had held Abi like this. He had been over to pick up Rae for a night at the Swan, but Linda had cornered them into babysitting instead. They had made the best of it – she had made dinner while he entertained Abi. He had teased her about her cooking and she had called him a nursemaid, and both agreed to switch roles next time. Abi had been put to bed and the rest of the evening had been spent quietly listening to music and snogging, with only the occasional interruption from Abi. It had felt like they were their own little family, rather than a big sister and her boyfriend watching over a little one. 

Finn sat on the loveseat, dandling Abi on his knee. She waved her arms as he bounced her lightly, her eyes constantly on his as she burbled. Her eyes were as dark as Karim’s, he noticed, as was her hair. There was something of Rae in that hair, though, all soft and dark and curling gently. He’d assumed all along that Rae had gotten her hair from her father, but perhaps he’d been wrong about that. His gaze searched Abi for more similarities to Rae. She was definitely more Bouchtat than Earl, but he could see Rae in her smile and in the turn of her nose. 

“I really miss her, you know,” he said softly to Abi, the baby cooing back at him. “She were the best… she were the best person I ever met,” he added, his voice breaking slightly. “...The best person I’ll ever know,” he amended in a half-whisper, the ghost of a frown crossing his brow. “I jus’ wish you’d have got to know her. She woulda been a brilliant big sister.” 

At that, Abi gave a squirm, a consternated look on her face as she picked up on the tone in Finn’s voice. He pulled her in and laid her against his chest, patting her back comfortingly. “Soz, little chuck,” he apologized, resting his chin on the top of her head. “Didn’t mean to upset ya.” They remained like that for a few minutes, Finn taking as much comfort from the baby as she was from him. Once Abi had calmed, Finn peered down at her with a soft smile. “Time to eat, innit?” he asked as he felt his own stomach rumble slightly. “Alrigh’, let’s go then,” he added as he stood, Abi now shifted back to his side. 

With Abi settled into her high chair, Finn moved into the kitchen. He sniffed the air appreciatively, wondering what was waiting for him in the oven.  _First things first_ , he reminded himself, picking up the list of approved Abi foods. Unsure of how much she ate now, he grabbed a jar each of strained peas and carrots, then cut up a banana for her dessert. He found a baby spoon in the flatware drawer and grabbed a bib from the stack on the counter. 

Feeding Abi was harder than Finn thought it would be. She seemed to take great delight in spitting everything back out, waving her arms and slapping her hands into the puddles of baby food that were forming on the tray of the high chair. The bib seemed pointless – she had food all over her clothes, despite the dubious protection of the flap of terrycloth. After what seemed like ages, Finn had managed to get the majority of the food inside Abi rather than outside. He fetched a wet towel to clean her off with, and after he was sure she didn’t have any strained pea behind her ears or banana between her fingers, he lifted her out of the chair and took her upstairs to be changed. 

As she wriggled on the table, Finn found himself glancing around the much-changed room. Gone were the childish wallpaper and music posters, the light pink carpet, and troll dolls. It was very different from the first few times he had been in here, back when it had been Rae’s. Now though there was a queen-sized bed and a dresser for Linda and Karim, the room was dominated by baby things, making it clear that the Bouchtats hadn’t made any move towards reclaiming the room across the hall. He hadn’t looked inside the other room yet, but he imagined that the walls were still blue and red, that the band posters and troll dolls still held the same places they had for the past nine months. 

Now that she was changed and growing sleepy, Finn laid Abi down in her crib and switched the baby monitor on. He took the walkie-talkie part of the monitor with him and stepped into the hallway, closing the door quietly behind him. He paused, looking at the other closed door across from him. Moving forward slowly, he placed his hand against the painted wood panel, then dropped it to the handle. He stood there for a minute, but was unable to bring himself to open the door. Shaking his head, he went back downstairs to the dinner waiting for him.

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At ten twenty-seven, the Bouchtats came in, apologizing for their tardiness. Finn waved them off, assuring them that it was no big deal. He was getting ready to leave when Linda approached him, the same sad, melancholy look from earlier in her eyes. 

“Finn,” she began, sounding unsure of herself, “I thought… well, I thought maybe you would like to have this.” Finn looked down to see Rae’s blue backpack in Linda’s hands. “I put a few things in there already, but if you wanted to go up to her room and see if there’s anything else you’d like to keep, you could.” 

Finn stared at her, feeling like a rabbit caught in the headlamps. Part of him wanted to run, to get himself as far away from that room as possible. The rest of him wanted to grab as much as he could of everything that was Rae and keep it for himself. Finn saw his arm reach up and take the backpack from Linda. He heard her follow him up the stairs and felt her reassuring hand on his shoulder as he hesitated outside of Rae’s room. He reached forward and grasped the door handle, pausing to take a steadying breath before turning it and pushing the door open. 

The room looked exactly as it had the last time he saw it. Finn and Linda stepped inside, Linda gravitating to the dresser while Finn moved towards the bed. He sat down gingerly and looked at the pillows, remembering how her dark hair used to look against the pillowcases. He was still for so long that Linda left, correctly sensing that he would prefer to be alone for this. 

Once he had his solitude, Finn turned his attention to the rest of the room. What could he take that most represented Rae to him? He looked in the backpack and saw the Oasis tee and a few framed photos. That was a good start, at least. He stood and began peering at the contents of the bookshelf, looking at the items there in a new light. Slowly he began collecting things – the perfume she wore on special occasions, the mixtapes he had made her over the course of their relationship, a few additional photos, a handful of her favorite albums. 

He was back on the bed hugging one of the pillows to him and breathing in the scent of her shampoo when he decided to take one of those with him as well. Lastly, hesitatingly, Finn took the leather jacket off of the hook on the door. He both loved and hated the sight of it – loved for all the times he’d seen her happy and healthy in it, hated for the last vision of it rucked up around her shoulders, blood pooling beneath her. He saw scuffs from the road across the front and folded it in on itself, hiding the scarred leather from his sight. 

Finn took one last look around the room before he left, closing the door behind him. Linda was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs, her hands clasped tightly together. She took a look at the pillow and jacket, then gave Finn a watery smile. 

“You have everything you want, love?” 

 _Not even close._ “Yeah, Mrs. Bouchtat. Thanks.” 

“Well, if you change your mind, let us know.” She squeezed his shoulder, which Finn figured was the closest thing to a hug that Linda normally gave. 

Finn nodded, his words failing him. He settled the backpack on his shoulder and gathered the jacket and pillow under one arm, then made his way for the door. With a perfunctory farewell, Finn took his leave, Linda and Karim watching his retreating form from their doorway. 

It was nearly eleven when Finn finally got home. His dad had fallen asleep in the living room, but Finn did not wake him. He crept up to his room and closed the door before letting out the breath he hadn’t known he was holding in. With his back against the door, Finn looked down at the jacket in his arms, wondering what to do with it. After a moment, he turned and hung it over his own on the hook. He had considered hiding it away in the closet, but the thought didn’t last long -- he knew that her jacket belonged with his. 

Yawning with a sudden weariness, Finn set the backpack and the pillow by the head of his bed before shucking his clothes and climbing in under the covers. Once he was settled in, he reached for the pillow, hugging it to him briefly before placing it beside his own. Turning his attention to the bag, Finn pulled it up onto his lap and unzipped the main compartment. He took out all the things he had added to the collection and set them aside on his nightstand. Soon he was down to the items Linda had chosen, and Finn took his time removing them from the bag. He looked over each photo she had included – most of them were of just Rae and him, but there were a few of the gang as well.

The Oasis tee was the last thing, or so Finn thought. He had reached in to take it out when his fingers brushed against something hard and rectangular underneath it. Curious, Finn lifted the shirt to reveal a pair of reddish books. It wasn’t until he pulled them out of the bag that Finn realized Linda had given him Rae’s diaries.


	7. Chapter 7

The diaries had been on Finn's desk for nearly a week, the bright red of the covers catching his eye every time he entered his room. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to read them – even though she was gone, Finn felt like he would be betraying Rae’s trust if he looked inside. She had hinted to the sort of things she wrote, stuff about school and the gang and sometimes the dark thoughts she still had. Even so, knowing what she wrote didn’t lessen Finn’s reluctance to read it all for himself. As far as he was concerned, it was none of his business.

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Another week passed, and Finn felt his resolve begin to weaken. Why had Linda given them to him, anyway? Was there a reason she wanted him to have them? Why give them to him if he wasn’t supposed to read them? Finn frowned at the diaries from across the room, curiosity piqued but his will unbroken. 

No way was he going to read them. 

No way at all.

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Finn finally buckled on the third week. Disgusted with himself, he dug the diaries out from where he had hidden them in his closet and retreated to his bed. He propped his pillows against the headboard before leaning back and cracking the cover on the first of the two books. 

Reading Rae’s diary was an experience unlike any other. There was such a mix of insecurity, humor, and outright lust that Finn’s head was spinning. He could hear her voice in his head as he read her words, his gaze drifting over the handwriting as unique as the girl who had penned it. His heart had broken for her when he’d read where Archie had led her on – her hurt was more than evident on the page, and Finn felt a spark of anger towards Archie for having misled her so cruelly. The anger had grown when he realized exactly how much the Green Lane twats had harassed Rae, and briefly wondered again what understanding she and Big G had reached. Maybe there’d be something about it later on. 

Finn felt his cheeks warm when he reached the pages where Rae had made a collage of his face. He’d been so sure that she had hated him from the start, and here she was, calling him an Adonis and drawing pictures of him in a centurion’s kit. He’d been surprised to find out how early she had warmed to him, though by that time he’d already been gone on her for a while. He’d just not had any idea exactly how far gone he’d been until the day he’d knocked Big G down. How she hadn’t clocked his feelings for her right then and there, he had no idea. It was made exceedingly clear that she hadn’t, though, when he reached a particular line:

_Could he ever love me?_

“How could I not have loved ya, ya numpty?” he whispered to the page, running his finger over the heartwrenching query. He hadn’t stood a chance – sure, she hadn’t made much of an impression on him that first night. She’d stuck to the background and hadn’t even sat with them at the chippy. The next day, though, was a completely different story. As soon as she’d stolen his 20p and spun Sabotage on the juke, she’d had his interest. She had seemed so sure of herself and hadn’t backed down from his best grumpy face, which wasn’t something he was accustomed to. Then there had been the night of Chloe’s party, which was when Finn had fallen for her completely. He had seen her embarrassment and fear when she had gotten stuck on the water slide, the emotions so plain on her face that Finn had felt them himself. She’d turned the whole thing into a joke within a blink of an eye and had bounced over demanding a lemon hooch with such an infectious smile that Finn had poured the drink silently, not trusting his voice to keep from betraying what he had felt for her in that moment. She had been so strong, had been the strongest person he’d ever met, and he had never stood a chance. Rae had given him no choice but to love her. 

Finn read and read, occasionally pausing to chuckle over a drawing or to sit back and recall his side of her stories. He was beginning to realize how much confusion and pain he could have saved them both had he just confessed his feelings earlier, particularly when he reached Rae’s recount of the rave. At least he finally understood how one night that was supposed to be perfect ended up so colossally fucked up. 

It wasn’t until his dad knocked on his door and called him down to dinner that Finn put the diary down, marking his place with the liner notes from _Odelay_. He still felt a bit awkward about reading it, but he also felt connected to Rae in a way he hadn’t felt since right before the accident. Maybe that’s why Linda had given him the diaries – if so, Finn owed her more than he could imagine. 

Spurred on by hunger, Finn stood and stretched, his neck and elbows popping from being in one position for too long. He realized that he felt better than he had in months – even now, Rae was calming him, soothing him, making him feel like everything was okay. 

Finn made his way downstairs to where his father was waiting with dinner and began filling his plate. His dad looked on as his son sat and started to eat, noticing that he was doing so with relish for the first time in ages. He smiled at Finn and began filling his own plate, wondering what had brought such a change over his son. 

“You look better today,” Mr. Nelson noted, pointing his fork at Finn with raised eyebrows. 

Finn gave a small shrug as he chewed, debating whether or not to tell his dad why. He swallowed, then turned his attention to his plate. “Yeah, I, uh… I started reading Rae’s dairy,” he explained, feeling his face redden. “I dunno, it makes it feel like she’s still here, like she’s in the room with me.” Finn thought that sounded mental, but evidently his father didn’t. 

“I suppose that’s because she is,” his dad mused before taking another mouthful. “She’ll always be here, Finn, and as long as you don’t let her get in the way of living rest of your life, that’s a good thing. Rae was a beautiful girl, inside and out.” 

Finn nodded and forked a piece of beef. To be honest, he couldn’t imagine a scenario where the memory of Rae wouldn’t tinge every decision he made, because he hadn’t encountered one yet. Not that it was a bad thing – she had made him a better person, a more thoughtful and communicative one. He chewed as he considered this, spending the rest of the dinner in silence. 

 As soon as he finished, Finn sprinted back up to his room, eager to get back to Rae. He was getting close to the end of the first volume already – these pages were given more to keepsakes now, various papers and notes and items wedged in between the pages or fastened with paperclips. He was flipping through the last few pages when something familiar caught his eye. He leafed back to and smiled sadly as he found what had caught his eye – clipped to the page was Rae’s Knebworth ticket.

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Chloe watched the leaves fall as the October wind rustled through the trees. She was in the car with her mother, the Gemmell ladies out for a day of shopping. Her mother had allowed Chloe to put the radio on, and the local Top 40 station filled the vehicle with what Rae and Finn would have called All-Crap FM. Chloe didn’t care, though – she liked what she liked, and she lip synched along with every song that aired. 

The Spice Girls had just stopped asking Chloe what she really really wanted when the deejay’s voice took over. Chloe was about to change the station in search for music when the deejay’s words caught her attention. 

 _“In an unusual show of appreciation for their fans, Oasis has announced a second UK leg to their tour supporting their latest smash album,_ (What’s the Story) Morning Glory _. The megastar Gallagher brothers have agreed to perform four additional ‘homecoming’ shows across Great Britain, including one here in Leeds. Tickets for the show go on sale at 1:00 PM this Saturday at all Ticketline locations or by phone at...”_       

Chloe tuned out as the deejay gave Ticketline’s phone line, her heart racing. Oasis was playing another show! She didn’t care about their music, but she knew four people who did very much. Quickly formulating a plan, she turned towards her mother. “Mum?” 

“Yes, Chloe?” 

“Can I ask you for a favor?” 

“It’s ‘ _May_ I ask for a favor,’ dear,” Chloe’s mom automatically corrected before giving her daughter a sideways glance. It wasn’t very often that Chloe asked for anything. As spoiled as she seemed, Chloe tended to do things for herself. Intrigued, she played along. “What is it, love?” 

“You heard what the radio said just now, right?” 

Truthfully, Chloe’s mom hadn’t been paying much attention to the radio, but she had heard something about a concert. It must be those Backstreet Boys to have Chloe so excited about it. “Yes, sweetheart.” 

“Do you… could I….?” 

“Get it out, Chloe.” 

Chloe looked at her mother and took a deep breath. “Okay, so the gang…” 

“Yes?” 

“The gang all really love Oasis.” 

“And?” 

“And we’ve been sort of… avoidin’ each other since Rae died.” 

Chloe’s mother nodded slowly. “I had noticed you haven’t been talking about them for a while.” 

“Yeah. Anyway, I was thinkin’ that, you know, maybe we could all go see Oasis together.” Chloe paused – this is where things would get difficult. “But I don’t think anybody would go if they had to choose to go. I mean, they’d go, but not together, you know? But if I got the tickets all together and gave them to everyone, I bet they would.” She gave her mother a hopeful glance, willing her to understand where she was going with this. 

“Are you asking for money to buy concert tickets for your friends?” 

Chloe nodded, then quickly added, “I have some money saved up, so I can pay for some of it too.” 

Chloe watched her mother consider the proposition. She knew the fact that she rarely asked her parents for anything would work in her favor, but then again, the potential cost of five tickets could be prohibitive. She surreptitiously crossed her fingers as she waited for her mother’s reply. 

“I don’t see why not,” her mother said slowly after a few minutes of consideration. “I will have to talk with your father first,” she added as Chloe squealed. 

Chloe nodded and tried to hide her triumphant grin. She was her daddy’s girl – there was no way he’d deny her this, especially if her mother had already agreed. This was it – this was how she was going to get her friends back, she just knew it. 

The tickets were discussed over dinner, her father agreeing to help pay for them almost immediately. Chloe jumped up and gave her parents each a bear hug, then ran upstairs and upended her piggy bank. She had been saving somewhat unsuccessfully for an eventual trip to Paris, but getting the gang back together took top priority. She counted out what she had – forty-seven pounds. If tickets were around twenty quid like they had been for Knebworth, she’d be able to cover almost half the cost. She gathered up the notes and brought them downstairs to her father, who accepted them gravely. 

“This is a good thing you are doing, love,” he told her, squeezing her hand. “I hope it works out.” 

“Me too, Da,” Chloe agreed. “Me too.”     

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Chloe tried to hide her disappointment as she walked into the Swan the following Saturday. She and her father had gone to buy the tickets earlier that day, and she had all five tucked away in her purse. She had called the gang as soon as she had gotten home, asking them to meet her at the pub later that evening. As she made her way back to the table, she could see that only one person was waiting for her. She laid a hand on Finn’s shoulder in greeting before taking a seat on the other side of the table. 

“Hiya, Finn. Thanks for coming.” 

Finn looked at her, his dark eyes inscrutable. Did he hate her for the things she had said at the chippy? No, that was silly – he wouldn’t have shown up if he hated her, right? 

“No problem, Chloe. What’s goin’ on?” 

Chloe reached into her purse and extracted one of the tickets. She had been envisioning a grand reveal, passing them out to the entire gang to cheers and hugs, but it seemed like nothing went according to plan. She slid the single ticket across the table to Finn, who frowned at it. 

“What’s this?” 

“That,” Chloe said with a note of satisfaction and pointing to the slip, “is a ticket to see Oasis next month.”

Finn’s gaze flashed up, his confusion evident. “What’re you on about?” 

Chloe threw her hands up and looked at Finn with wide-eyed exasperation. “What I’m on about is that I’m sick of us all avoidin’ each other. I’m on about us doing something fun together for the first time in ages.” 

Finn grunted, then bit his lower lip. “Fair enough, but I’m not sure anyone else is interested in getting’ the gang back together,” he said, indicating the empty table. 

Chloe sighed, frustrated. “Yeah, well, I’m not going to give them a choice. I’ll hand-deliver the tickets to their houses if I have to.” 

Unfortunately, that was exactly what she’d had to do, as nobody else showed up to the Swan that night. She took the tickets around to everyone the following morning. Each had accepted their ticket gracefully after the initial shock, which she hoped boded well for her plan.        

After Chloe was done delivering the tickets, she returned home and went up to her room. She grabbed a pen and a sheet of her best stationery, then settled herself at her desk. She composed a letter on a piece of ordinary paper first, hemming and hawing over her words before finally transferring the finished missive to the fancier paper. Once that was completed, she phoned Information and obtained an address in London, which she penned carefully on an envelope before folding the letter and placing it inside. After she sealed the envelope, she found her father downstairs and explained the final details of her plan. The two of them drove to the postal office in town where Mr. Gemmell paid for courier service to London, and just like that, Chloe’s letter was on its way.

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For Finn, the news of another Oasis concert was unexpected but welcome. After the meeting with Chloe, he made his way home and had a brief discussion with his dad before picking up the phone. Once the call was completed, he hung up and excused himself to his room, where he immersed himself back into the world of Rae.

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“All right, we just need Izzy and Chop to show up and we can go.” 

Archie watched as Chloe buzzed around the room. It was November, and the gang was meeting at her place before heading to the concert in Leeds. There was a tense sort of excitement in the air that had all three of them on edge – Archie watched as Finn dropped the cigarette he was rolling for the second time. Five long months had passed since the last time the gang had spent any quality time together, and everyone was a nervous wreck. 

Archie was fairly certain he wasn’t half as nervous as Chloe, though. She flitted around the room constantly, unable to keep still for more than a minute. She had put a lot into this plan, and her tension was apparent. Archie stifled a laugh as the doorbell rang and Chloe jumped – she was so worked up. He hoped this experiment worked out for her sake. 

Izzy and Chop walked in to a round of polite greetings. Chloe followed them in with noticeable relief – she hadn’t been certain everyone would show up, Archie knew, and the two lovebirds had been the last piece of the puzzle. 

After making sure everyone had their tickets, the gang piled into Chloe’s car. Archie was driving at Chloe’s request -- she claimed to be too nervous about the day to be able to handle driving in the city. Finn rode shotgun and served as navigator since he was more familiar with the city than any of the others. Soon they were on the A1 to Leeds, the car initially filled with strained conversation and awkward pauses. Still, they were all excited for the concert, and things began to relax as they journeyed. Archie found himself laughing at a few of the things Chop said, and even the grumpy sod sitting next to him managed to chuckle at a joke or two along the way. 

An hour later, they were entering Leeds. After a few miscues from Finn, Archie managed to find a car park near the venue. They clambered out and stretched, then joined the throngs of people streaming along the streets heading towards the concert. The excitement in the air was palpable, and Archie felt himself getting swept up in it. Izzy and Chop were walking just ahead, Izzy’s step even bouncier than usual. Without thinking, Archie threw an arm around Finn’s shoulders as they walked. He felt Finn tense up momentarily and gave him an unsure glance. Had he really fucked things up that much with Finn?

Archie was about to ask as much, but the question died on his lips as Finn relaxed. He hadn’t met Archie’s eyes at all, but he hadn’t shrugged his arm off, either. At least it was a start. Feeling magnanimous, Archie put his other arm around Chloe, who was looking more calm than she had been back at her house. The ride up hadn’t been as much of a disaster as Archie had expected, so he figured she had the right to look a bit pleased with herself. 

Once they were past the gate, it didn’t take them long to find their seats. The atmosphere was so charged that they all chose to remain standing, watching the venue fill and the sound techs work on the stage. Izzy and Chop were chatting with each other animatedly, pointing at various sights in the arena. Occasionally Izzy would turn to Chloe, including her in their conversation. Apparently the gift of concert tickets had warmed the couple up to Chloe again. With those three talking, Archie and Finn were left to their own devices. _Better now than never._ Archie cleared his throat before turning to Finn. 

“Er, Finn?” 

Finn glanced over, his eyebrows raised inquisitively. “Yeah, Arch?” 

“I’m, well… I’m proper angry with myself for not visiting you in hospital more than I did,” Archie confessed, staring at the toes of his shoes. This was a strange place to be making apologies, but the air needed to be cleared – he didn’t want to spend the concert standing next to his best mate without actually being best mates, or at least on friendly terms with one another. 

Finn shook his head. “Look, Chloe was right. I coulda said summat if I were lonely.” He paused, then gave a small smile. “Guess I’m still not very good with tellin’ people what I’m feelin’.” 

“So are we okay?” 

Finn considered for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, Archer. We’re okay.” 

Archie couldn’t help but notice that there was no hug or clap on the shoulder to punctuate the mending of their rift, but he still felt loads lighter. Even if they weren't back to their old closeness yet, he could take solace in the fact that they weren't at odds with each other anymore. 

Archie felt a nudge from his other side. Chloe was looking between Finn and him with raised eyebrows. Archie nodded, affirming that things were good with Finn again. Chloe smiled, and Archie felt a rush of warmth for her. She truly cared about the gang, more than Archie had ever suspected. He put his arm around her for the second time that day, leaning in so that his mouth was near her ear. 

“Thanks, Chloe,” he whispered. “I think this is the best idea you’ve ever had. You’re brilliant.” He leaned back, catching her eyes with his as he nodded solemnly, showing her that he meant every word. He gave her a sideways hug before releasing her, then turned back towards Finn. 

During his brief exchange with Chloe, Finn had taken a seat. Archie saw him rubbing at his shin – Finn had mentioned that he had only been out of the walking cast for a few weeks, and Archie imagined that the break site still ached. Izzy had edged over to Finn and sat down in the empty seat on his other side, and they were talking quietly. Archie could only assume that Izzy had been the peace ambassador for the Nation of Chizzy, because at Finn’s nod, she beckoned Chop to join them. 

Chop, Finn, and Izzy were still talking when the lights dimmed and the opening band took the stage. Everyone moved back to their seats, cheering for the benefit of the performers on stage. Archie bobbed his head in time to their music – they had a decent sound, and if it hadn’t been Oasis headlining, Archie would have wanted them to play a longer set. As it was, he couldn't wait for the main act, and he felt the familiar glow of anticipation growing in his chest. 

Archie was swept into the frenzy as the Gallagher brothers took the stage, the rest of the band filing in behind them. The crowd was already deafening, but Archie tried his best to drown them out with his own cheers. The opening chords of ‘Morning Glory’ began pouring out of the speakers, sending goosebumps up Archie’s arms. He looked to either side of him and saw his friends cheering and pumping their fists. Something told him that the night was going to be epic.

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His voice was hoarse and his leg fucking hurt, but Finn didn’t care. He was happy for the first time in half a year – no, better than happy. He had been avoiding music since he had been home from hospital, and he was beginning to realize how much of a mistake that had been. Yeah, it reminded him of Rae, but there was something about it that made him feel better all the same. Finn was joyous to rediscover his first love as the sound washed over him. 

Just as Finn felt like he couldn’t sing another note, Liam Gallagher took his mic and looked out over the crowd, which quieted as he began to speak. 

“Right, we understand we have a special guest with us tonight,” he began, his words rolling loosely. “We’d like to dedicate a song to her.” 

Finn’s eyebrows shot up and he began craning his neck to see if anyone had a spotlight shining on them – Oasis wasn’t exactly known for being accommodating to their fans. Whoever rated a song dedication must be pretty fucking special. 

“So, to Rae Earl Nelson – cheers.” 

Finn felt the blood drain from his face as the intro to ‘Champagne Supernova’ began to play. Lightheaded, he grabbed at Archie’s shoulder to keep himself steady, then turned a shocked face to his mate. Archie looked equally surprised, as did Izzy and Chop. Finn snapped his attention back to the stage as he realized he was missing the song being sung for Rae. 

He sensed his friends surrounding him as he stood in his own world, their voices raised as they sung along. He did not join in; he was listening intently, noting every tiny detail of the music, wanting to remember every variation (even if it was a mistake). This was Rae’s version, and he wasn’t going to forget any of it.

Finn collapsed into his seat as the final chords faded. He didn’t notice as the band launched into ‘Don’t Look Back In Anger,’ which was one of his favorite tracks. All he could see were his mates’ faces. Some were tear-streaked, some were not, but all wore the same look of shocked wonder. Izzy had her arms wrapped around Chop’s waist as he hugged her to him, and Archie and Chloe were reaching towards Finn. Izzy disentangled herself from her boyfriend and threw her arms around Finn neck, rocking him from side to side. 

“Oh my god, Finn. Oh my god!” was all she could say, which made Finn smile to himself – for once, he wasn’t the only one at a loss for words. He hugged Izzy back, then stood up as she released him. Wordlessly, the rest of the gang stepped forward and embraced Finn one by one, Chop clapping him on the back a little too hard in an attempt to make up for the fact that perhaps he’d shed a tear or two. 

Though the show wasn’t over yet, the five filed out of their seats and into the main concourse. Now that they were in a less noisy area and could actually hear one another, they all began talking at once. 

“Can you believe it, mate?” 

“Oh my god! How did that even happen?”

“How do you think they knew about Rae?” 

“Rae _Nelson_ , don’t forget!” 

“Oh my god!” 

Finn watched his friends as they made their way back to the car. He was still too overcome to say much and was hanging back from the rest of them. He noticed the way Chloe was being quieter than the others and how she’d answered one of Izzy’s many “oh my god”s with poorly-mimed amazement. She’d had a knowing look about her all night, and Finn thought he knew why. He sidled up to her, allowing the rest of the gang to walk ahead. 

“How’d you do it, Chlo?” 

“What d’ya mean?” 

“I mean, how did ya do it? And I don’t mean the song,” he added with a pointed look. “Though I don’t know how you managed that, either,” he marveled, wonder in his eyes. 

At Chloe’s confused look, Finn gestured to the trio ahead of them. Archie was giving Izzy a noogie as Chop looked on, laughing. “Nobody was willin’ to admit they were hurt by one another, and we let ourselves fall apart. You brought us back together,” he stated matter-of-factly. 

Chloe shrugged with pleased embarrassment. “Oh, I don’t know. I guess I just did what Rae would have done if she had seen us all like that.” 

The corner of Finn’s mouth quirked upwards – Rae would definitely have tried to use music to fix anything, including a group of friends torn apart by their own hardheadedness. 

“And I just got really lucky with the concert,” Chloe continued. “I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t heard about Oasis adding dates to their tour.” 

“You woulda thought of somethin’,” Finn said with conviction. “Maybe it woulda taken you longer, but you woulda fixed us anyroad.” 

He wasn’t looking at her, but Finn could sense Chloe’s pleased smile. She deserved to be proud of what she had accomplished, and Finn wanted her to know how appreciative he was. He reached out and touched her shoulder, silently asking her to stop walking. As she halted, Finn wrapped her up in a bear hug. 

“Thanks, Chloe.” 

“You’re welcome, Finn.”

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The drive back to Stamford was spent catching up with each other. Not too much had changed for any of them – they’d mostly been occupied with classes (or, in Chop’s case, the garage). Archie had had a short fling with a lad from college, but the flame had been snuffed as quickly as it had caught, and he was single again. More than anything, they were re-familiarizing themselves, and were enjoying it so much that when the subject of the Swan was mentioned, it was unanimously decided that a night at the pub would be a perfect ending to the day. 

Archie pulled up to his accustomed spot in the Swan’s car park. The gang quickly made their way inside the pub, as the night had turned cold. They started towards the back of the room, but were brought up short. A group of college kids were gathered around the table they had called their own for so long. They all stood and watched as the strangers laughed, absorbed in their own little microverse. Finn was remembering the night they had all gone completely off their faces and how Rae had dared them all to carve their initials into the wood of the table; he could still see the crude letters adorning the outside edge of the tabletop. 

Chloe’s voice called out over the hubbub, breaking Finn’s train of thought. He looked over to where she stood, one of her hands resting on a table near the front of the bar while the other waved them over. 

“Here, I figured this table is just as good,” she said as they pulled up some chairs. 

“I’d say it’s better,” Archie appraised. “Much closer to the exit if there’s a fire.” 

Chop clapped Archie on the shoulder. “Right you are, Archer, lad. Now,” he continued, a theatrical expression of confusion contorting his features, ”I’s remember some knobhead tellin’ me he’d get first shout the next time we were here. Who were that right dodgy bastard, and where is me pint?” 

Archie laughed, raising his hands in defeat. “All right, all right. Don’t be so subtle, Chop.” 

Chop grinned saucily. “You know me, mate.”

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The evening wound down slowly, each of the friends loathe to let the magic of the day wane. It wasn’t until Izzy’s head was resting on the table that they agreed to call it a night. 

“Take the poor girl home, Chopper,” Archie said, looking fondly at the mass of red curls that was currently soaking up ale from the tabletop. 

“That I will, mate,” Chop answered before he gently roused Izzy. The pair made their farewells and left, but only after promising they would be back the following evening. 

“I guess that’s my cue. I’m dead tired, anyway,” Chloe yawned, stretching as she stood. 

“Do you need a ride home, Chloe?” Archie asked as he and Finn gained their feet, all three of them shrugging their coats on and heading for the door. 

She considered for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah, that’d be best. Thanks, Archie.” 

“No problem. You all right to get home, Finn? We can drop you off on the way to Chloe’s if you want.” 

Finn shook his head and gave his best mate a lopsided smile. “Nah, I’m fine on me own. See you two tomorrow, yeah?” 

The trio parted ways, leaving Finn to walk home in the cold November night. He walked slowly, enjoying the crunch of snow under his boots. His right hand found its way into the front pocket of his jeans, his fingers ghosting over the piece of glossy cardstock inside. The concert and the resulting evening at the pub had been more than he could have hoped for – Chloe was a miracle worker.

The crisp air was sobering, and Finn felt clear-headed by the time he got home. He quietly ascended the stairs to his room, trying successfully to not wake his father. Once inside, he shut his door and went to his desk. He rooted through the drawer until he found a permanent marker, then took Rae’s original diary from its now customary spot on his nightstand. Before he sat down on his bed, he reached into his pocket and took the contents out. 

Finn took the ticket he had bought out of his pocket, where it had stayed with him over the course of the concert. He unfolded it, flattening it against the cover to the diary. Uncapping the marker, Finn thought for a moment before he began to write on the ticket. Once he was done, he flipped the pages of the diary until he found where she had clipped the Knebworth pass inside. Smiling sadly, Finn slid the ticket he had bought for Rae under the paperclip with last year's chit, reading his words again before closing the book.

 

_Wanted to make sure you didn't miss the show this time. Hope it were everything you wanted._

_Love, forever + always,_

_Finn_

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to Tumblr under user name raernundo.


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